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ReachTel/Murdoch Tasmanian Figures False, As Always

Cheating as always, ReachTel finds 47.4 percent of Tasmanians voting Liberal, 23.6 percent Labor, 18.2 percent Greens and 6.7 PUP. Machines rang landlines on Thursday, late shopping night, while the Debate was proceeding, and got those uninterested in it, and not on a mobile, and not preparing dinner, or still at work, or driving home, and, sure enough, these underoccupied nonagenarians favoured the Liberals.

Similar machine-Thursday-landline polling in August by Lonergan, ReachTel and Galaxy had Rudd, Swan, Clare, Burke, Bowen, Dreyfus and Albo losing their seats.

Adjusting accordingly, therefore, along lines of their past error, and noting how well Gidding did in the Debate, and her support last night for a reopened asylum seeker ‘facility’ in Tasmania, I predict the result next week will be Liberals 35.2, Labor 33.4, Greens 20.5 and PUP 10.9 and a Giddings-McKim government, commanding 14 seats, formed by April 10.

That the poll would be taken DURING the Debate is a measure of Skynews’ frantic mendacity. Any later and the one in four undecided would have begun to decide.

It is time, surely, time these criminals were charged with fraud, and Murdoch immured in Port Arthur for the term of his natural life.

Murdoch, Tottering

On Sky News tonight Abbott’s first six months was trenchantly assessed by…his sister. She said she couldn’t for the life of her think of anything he’d done wrong except, maybe…just maybe…not having enough women in his ministry. The host, Chris Kenny, said Scott Ludlam saying he was a racist (no, he didn’t) and a homophobe (doesn’t want gays to marry, looks like he is) and going after unions (always has) was wrong, and a scandalous way to talk of our Prime Minister, he should show more respect, we all should show more respect…

No Labor figure was invited onto this programme, this half-birthday party, only a glumly tongue-tied Jack The Insider, itching to say more, showing how scared Murdoch’s getting lately. He does not any more have a dissenting voice on this show lest the landslide rumbling down on the government this week turns into an avalanche. After NDIS, Gonski, Broadband, Holden, Ardmona, Manus, Qantas, and now the WorkChoices ghost who walks and, oh yes, the cold war with Indonesia, the audible contempt of China and the UN saying we’re like North Korea sometimes there is no, repeat no, Abbott good news and Rupert, fingers in ears, is going la, la, la as any cult leader tends to when archangels don’t front and the seas don’t part, on schedule.

It must be hard for PVO and Kieran Gilbert and Kenny, who are not without intelligence, to endure the contempt of their peers and look forward to gaol terms like Rebekah’s but they must, like Faust, I suppose, take the rough with the smooth.

It will take a while but Newscorp by 2050 will seem as ghastly and silly as the Ku Klux Klan.

And so it goes.

The Three Worst Things The Liberals Did Yesterday (179)

In line with his ‘all girl’ policy of awards this year, Abbott was going to give a knighthood to Sarah Palin but was persuaded to give it instead to the Danish-Greek-German-Scots nonagenarian Phillip who, at 91, he said, had ‘waited long enough’. No-one had waited that long for a royal exhaltation, he added, since Khufu, Pharoah of Egypt, in BC 1862.

It was pointed out that an Australia Day award should go to an Australian citizen and Abbott said ‘Nonsense. He’s no less Australian than I am,’ referring to his own British citizenship, as yet unrevoked, which put a legal cloud, it was argued, over his Prime Ministership. Some commentators thought this belated Royalist manouevre was to ‘get up Shorten’s nose’ after that worthy’s fine speech, ‘Obama standard,’ some said, in favour of a Republic. Abbott, it was remembered, had written a book on the Monarchy, which was launched by his coreligionist Les Murray and remaindered in 1994.

Rupert Murdoch, who hated the royal family, and had famously tried to put Prince Charles in the madhouse, was appalled at the news, and quickly determined to rid himself of ‘this itching hair-shirt, Abbott’ as soon as he could find a compliant, republican successor.

Nooman continued saying that ‘Queenslanders, wherever I go’ were telling him Palaszczuk was a bikie’s moll but would not say which Queenslanders. ‘That’s for me to know,’ he crowed, ‘and you to find out.’ Brandis continued to threaten Matthew Gardiner with life imprisonment for ‘doing what no Australian ever does, that is, fight on the right side.’

Syriza, running on an ‘anything but Hockeynomics’ policy, won power in Greece. Hockeynomics, its leader Tsipras argued, had caused 25 percent unemployment, 50 percent youth unemployment, and the eviction, starvation and financial ruin of thousands of old people and small businesspersons, and any continuance of ‘the Australian way’, he feared, would make things even worse.

The swing was 16 percent, similar to that which now seemed likely in Queensland, where ‘the little Colonel’, Nooman, had wrought such widespread devastation with his bizarre, sadistic austerities. ‘He even sacked midwives,’ appalled Queenslanders wept. ‘Has there been a tyrant like this since Cleomenes?’ More to come.

Newman’s Chances

(First published by Independent Australia)

Only Sarah Palin has run a campaign as crazy as Campbell Newman’s. It may well be that Murdoch will save him. Certainly the ‘undecided’ People’s Forum voters were a help. But, after yesterday, when he told Toowoombans vote for me or else, the democracy is up for sale, his task is harder now. Is there a Queenslander left who admires him? I doubt it.

Most startling is the lead over him Palaszczuk has in the latest Newspoll as preferred Premier, 46 to 36. This, for a female Opposition Leader, has only one precedent in world history, that of Aung San Suu Kyi. It derives from Newman’s ‘little sarmajor’ personality: shout, shout, and keep shouting, and the cowed, shuffling conscripts will do what you say.

It is likely that he lost this election, as Bligh did hers, within weeks of his victory. The first thing he did was abolish the Premier’s Literary Awards, thus saving each taxpayer one cent a week. Arnie Schwarzenegger abolishing the Oscars would have shown similar cunning. The awards cost about four hundred thousand dollars. The tourism generated by them in that weekend would have covered it. If it didn’t, the remaining half cent a week per taxpayer was not too big a cost.

This was at the start of his administration. And now, at the end of it, we have what must be called The Toowoomba Declaration. It’s up to Paluszczuk, not me, he said, to prove she’s not a bikie’s moll, and if you want any money spent here, vote for me.

It was corruption writ plain and large: this democracy is for sale, and any big lie will do.

But it is probable he lost the election -– if he did –- a good deal before that. It was when he sacked the first midwife. Better some babies die than we squander this money on these interfering harridans, he was saying. Better some babies are never born.

Ellis’s Third Law, ‘The first sign of incompetence is charisma’, is worth remembering here. The charismatic man does not listen, and consequently never learns. Newman in the Forum talked three-quarters of the time, nearly always boastfully, sometimes charmingly. But he ended up, after all that blather, in an excruciating capitulation to principles enunciated by Tony Fitzgerald he had earlier denounced. He denounced them because he did not, earlier on, read and consider them. He was too busy talking, laying down the law.

It is a little hard to predict, with ease or accuracy, what exactly will happen on Saturday. Thirty-six seats are a lot to win, and the last pro-Newman commercials may have some effect.

But it is not as if he, like Howard, had twenty years of ministerial and shadow ministerial experience at his back when he was first uplifted. It is not as if the LNP is an old party. It is a new party, which has lost at least 10 percent since its huge landslide, with many, many broken promises, and a hundred thousand disrupted lives, to defend or ignore.

It is not as if they did well. Unemployment is up, many prices are up, the doctors, nurses, police and legal officials are in uproar, and an adjacent Abbott government is threatening old people — and there are a lot of old people in Queensland — with various gradations of impoverishment.

And Newman, yesterday, said vote for me or else. One is reminded of Woody Allen saying, in Sleepers, ‘Give us what we want or the nose gets it.’

He may get there. But no-one will vote for him gladly, or trustingly. The bookies have him losing his seat, and it takes a special kind of politician, like Howard, to do that.

One who is out of touch, and proud of it.

And we will see what we shall see.

‘The People’s Forum’: A Debriefing

There were no friendly cutaways to audience members while Newman spoke, and no unfriendly cutaways while Palaszczuk spoke, especially among women, and the Newspoll, out an hour later, showing a 16 percent swing in three regional seats — echoing two byelection swings of 17 and 12 percent — to Labor, and a Palaszczuk ‘preferred Premier’ score of 46 to Newman’s 36 and 18 percent ‘uncommitted’ — showed how comprehensively defeated Newman was.

Speers, however, said he won, though his last three minutes was the most disgraceful performance in a Debate since George HW Bush denounced Crocodile Dundee and bayed ‘Not the Simpsons! The Waltons!’ in 1992 while Clinton watched amazed.

And this showed Speers to be a bought man — no big news there — who is in danger of losing his position soon after Murdoch switches, desperately, to Labor — or Turnbull — on February 2nd.

And so it goes.

The Eighteen Worst Things The Liberals Did Yesterday (177)

Daniel Meers urged Liberals not to join the game of ‘pass the parcel’ that had characterised the Rudd-Gillard-Rudd years and said ‘calm, methodical members of the coalition know Abbott remains the best option’, while his Newscorp colleagues held their sides suppressing laughter.

‘Abbott deserves more time,’ he added. ‘There will be no change to the PM in the foreseeable future’ (including, it would seem, the twenty-third century) and the coalition must ‘end the game and get on with the job.’ Several cartoonists in the building wept with laughter, and refused this dumb-bum’s beer shouts in the pub for days thereafter,

Newspoll showed a 16 percent swing to Labor in Cairns, Ipswich West and Keppel. Repeated across Queensland, it would leave Nooman with thirteen seats, not including his own. The sampling, though, of only two hundred respondents on landlines per seat, was utterly unreliable and might indicate a bigger swing than that.

David Speers meanwhile proclaimed that Nooman had ‘won’ the Debate, in which he failed to explain why he would not reveal who his donors were and refused to sign up to Tony Fitzgerald’s vision of a fair democracy, and why he kept saying, with a snigger, that ‘bikie money’ was funding the ALP. It was remarked what a sad Faust Speers had become after a year of sounding calm and reasonable on Agenda now that it was certain Murdoch would shift his editorial policy to supporting Labor and fire all who had advised against it, with extreme prejudice, on Monday, February 2.

In line with this imminent alteration Dennis Shanahan, a quondam Liberal voter, spoke of that party’s ‘poor salesmanship, prevarication and infighting’; and, as well, ‘that caged panther’, the Billionairesses’ Baby Bonus, ‘lurking in wait for the opportunity for a murderous attack’. He added there was ‘no chance’ of Abbott standing down because ‘there might be a Tampa or a 9/11 coming to rescue him soon’.

He should, however, get rid of Credlin, he advised, ‘and hire some other dominatrix. She has performed the dread role of sadistic Livia to his enfeebled Augustus,’ he added, showing off his erudition, ‘for far too long. She should accompany her lawful wedded husband Loughnane to Canada, and save the party a whole mess of suppurating poison consequent on her round-the-clock attachment to the increasingly haggard Prime Minister.’

Abbott said ‘Australia will soon be a second rate nation, thanks to my efforts’; then, altering his expression, a task widely thought more difficult since the maladministered Botox in his forehead leaked poison into his brain, claimed this to be ‘Shorten’s fault’. Nooman wholeheartedly agreed. ‘He shouldn’t be in Queensland,’ he squawked, attractively. ‘He should be back in Canberra, surrendering to Tony’s demands. And apologising, while he’s up, for spending all that money on Australians which could have gone in billions to our traditional beheaders, the Japanese.’

Asked if he agreed that penalty rates should go, he said, ‘Yes, a job is more important than what you are paid for it. A job for a penny a day is better, much better, than no job at all. And a penny a day in some professions is far, far too much.’ He then threatened that local communities who didn’t vote for his local member would not get the benefits he promised them, they could ‘go to buggery’. His minders hurried him out of town, to the next motor-mouth disaster. Sick of him like everyone else, the latest Skynews blonde reported that Palazczuk was ‘way ahead as preferred Premier, by 46 to 36, a margin that, for a female Opposition Leader, was unprecedented in all human history, except for, recently, Aung San Suu Kyi.’

Abbott rang up every backbencher he could think of, begging for another chance. ‘Changing leaders never works,’ he pleaded. ‘Look at Rudd and Gillard.’ He was told it worked fine when Hawke replaced Hayden, when Keating displaced Hawke, when Olsen displaced Brown, when Bracks displaced Brumby, when Rudd displaced Beazley, when Barnett displaced Buswell, when Weatherill displaced Rann, when Bligh succeeded Beattie, when Baird displaced O’Farrell, and…well…Abbott undermined and harried and successfully knifed and usurped, by one vote, his leader Malcolm Turnbull; it worked well then, didn’t it? Abbott was aghast, hung up the phone, and went to the toilet for a while, to think about things.

And so it went.

The ‘People’s Forum’: A Preview

Lying, Galaxy has chosen a hundred ‘undecided voters’ for the ‘People’s Forum’ tonight.  Since there is no-one undecided about Campbell Newman, they will just have to settle for a hundred who like him.

As always with these exercises, David Speers will stop Palazsczuk from talking directly to Newman, asking him why he tells all these lies, declaring this intervention to be ‘out of order’. The cameras will show Newman big in the frame, Palaszczuk smaller, and the sound from his microphone more audible than hers. When she speaks at any length, we will see not her but a cutaway of forty-two ugly audience members chewing gum and looking malignant, for thirty or forty seconds, and thus lose attention, as we are meant to.

These were the methods by which Murdoch cut down Gordon Brown in the second UK Debate (the only one Skynews was allowed to stage, direct and edit) in 2010; and later disadvantaged Gillard in Rooty Hill.

It is why Liberal leaders will appear in no other forum, and accept no other interlocutor. It is called Murdoch Cheating, and it has a long history of contemptible success.

And…we will see what we shall see.

The Fifteen Worst Things The Liberals Did Yesterday (176)

Campbell Newman sued Alan Jones for calling him a liar. Speaking faster than an Irishman, Jones with asperity explained it was because Nooman had sworn to him, ‘face to face, face to face, in my own house’, that he wouldn’t gut and eviscerate his Acland heartland, then did. Nooman said he was ‘spreading Labor lies’, and denied the taxpayer was funding his lawyers. He was amazed the press kept wanting to talk about it.

The US declared David Hicks innocent of all charges. He had now, after suffering three years in solitary, several months of torture, and five years of cowering in a blazing bright, freezing cold prison cell, harassed by loud music and fearing for his life, the clear option of suing Downer, Howard, Akerman, Andrews, Henderson, Bolt, Devine and Ruddock for libel, and requiring an apology from Abbott on the floor of the House. Howard, hearing of this, said he was ‘well, yes, embarrassed, but he’ll never get a penny out of me.’ Gerard Henderson, who had called him ‘a trained heathen killer’, was quaking in his boots.

An inquiry ordered by Abbott proposed the end of the minimum wage, and lower pay on Sundays. These measures resembled WorkChoices, the ‘dead, buried, and cremated’ political calamity that had cost Howard government, and his seat. Abetz said it might never happen, but ‘if it does, it will be after we run with it, at the next election. And win,’ he added, sweating. ‘And win.’

Laurie Oakes, a Liberal voter, boasted of truncating the Whitlam golden age ‘by at least five years, ho ho,’ and wrecking Gillard’s chances of majority government by publishing leaks from Rudd and others of things she said in the privacy of Cabinet. ‘You can’t consider the consequences of your actions,’ he said, ‘you’re a journalist, for fuck’s sake, and your first obligation is to…not the truth, but the deadline, and the headline. And the sensation, ho ho. And the money. Ho ho.’ It was widely thought he had ruined the nation, and was for some reason proud of it.

Abbott begged Widodo not to shoot two Australian drug dealers, Andrew Chan and Myuran Sukumaran. He did not threaten to withdraw our ambassador. If he had, it is likely Widido might have expelled from his shores, in a number of gunboats, all asylum seekers wanting to come to Australia, and invited our navy to fire on this approaching armada near Christmas Island. But Abbott, as he usually is these days, was quaking in his boots, and frightened of any macho posturing whatever.

Baird then surprised the nation by beseeching Abbott to be fairer to boat people and to take more of them in. This was partly due, some observers reckoned, to his vulgar post-Canadian Christianity, partly to his father Bruce’s advocacy of this line through the Howard years, which cost him Cabinet office. Abbott, abashed, replied that he would take none of them in, as Morrison had advised him they were heathens, beyond even Bambi’s missionary zeal. Baird, as he was wont to, burst into tears.

He sniffled in explanation that he was worried about ‘unsettling reports’ in the media about the events in the Lindt Cafe. A number of scarred survivors were being paid, for competing narratives, loads of money to reveal what actually happened, exaggerating if need be. It seemed the police had shot six of them, but only one fatally. Strategically placed Murdochists were decrying them for ‘profiting from another’s misfortune’, thus repudiating a century of Murdoch warfront correspondents and two thousand five hundred years of reportage beginning with The Peloponnesian Wars and including Fitz’s books on Gallipoli and Kokoda, and demanding they either breach their contracts with the broadcast channels, or give the money to charity.

Cheating, Galaxy chose for the People’s Forum eighty-two Newman voters and twelve Palaszczuk voters, called them ‘undecided’, broadcast a Debate in which Nooman, rabbiting on till even Speers could stand him no longer, lost comprehensively, and three ‘objective commentators’ from The Courier Mail declared that he had ‘clearly won’ and Speers, ruefully, fearing unemployment, allowed that he had, though thirty-four of his supporters, disgusted by Nooman’s hydrophobic mendacity, voted against him or claimed in misery they were still ‘undecided’, resulting in a score of 48-26-26. A mutinous Newspoll out an hour later had Labor on 56 in three seats, currently held by the LNP, in regional Queensland, presaging a Nooman loss of fifty seats including his own, and Seeney’s.

And so it went.

The Palaszczuk Prospect: A Prediction

Murdoch, unusually, has published a piece, and an accompanying poll, that shows Labor might win in Queensland.

By Graham Young, of On Line Opinion, it shows the LNP on 42 percent, Labor on 37, Greens on 7, and ‘others’, including Katter and Palmer, on 14 percent.

‘Ninety percent of Green voters,’ he notes, ‘say they will preference Labor, and ten percent say they will exhaust, while of the other minor party voters, thirty percent will favour Labor, twenty-nine percent the LNP, and forty-one percent will exhaust.

‘This would make the election almost exactly 50/50.’

…Adding those figures up, though, gives Labor only 47.5 percent, and the LNP only…46.06, the others having ‘exhausted’.

It gives Labor 1.5 percent more than the LNP, Murdoch for ‘almost exactly 50/50′.

These figures were garnered, however, before the full force of the Alan Jones counterblast, and the full stupidity of the twenty-dollar-fine-for-going-to-the-doctor fiasco registered everywhere, and nearly cost Abbott his job.

It was a poll, moreover, that was taken only on landlines, in the Christmas holidays, among people not out of the house, in their seventies, eighties and nineties, and only 609 of them, an insufficient sample.

If these factors added only one percent to the Labor vote, and 95 not 90 percent of the Green vote went in preferences to Labor and did not ‘exhaust’, and 35 not 30 percent of the ‘others’ vote went to Labor and did not ‘exhaust’, it would bring the Labor vote to…49.5 percent, and the LNP vote to 43.5 percent, and a clear majority for Palaszczuk.

Is this possible? Well…14 percent for others, and 7 percent for Greens, add up to fifth of the electorate; and, as in Hanson’s time, a quarter of the electorate in Queensland can suddenly ‘bolt’, and hobble both ‘major’ parties.

And if, as the poll shows, 43 percent of the ‘others’ do want a hung parliament, and will vote strategically to get it…anything can happen.

One thing, though, that CAN’T happen is a Campbell Newman-LNP victory.

And…I’m calling it. Labor on 49 or 50, and a clear majority for Labor, or an alliance, like Beattie had, of Labor and Peter Wellington.

The Three Worst Things The Liberals Did Yesterday (174)

Chris Uhlmann, a Liberal voter, in anguish alleged most MPs who had ‘sounded out’ their constituents over the Christmas break now felt Abbott was ‘terminal’ and he would have to go. Baird, shovelling soil beside Abbott at a function, said sorrowfully he wouldn’t ‘need his services’ in the coming New South Wales election.

Alan Jones told Richo, and an abashed and beaming Palaszczuk, that Nooman ‘couldn’t be trusted with the fresh corpse of my grandmother’ and that he had ‘lied to me, lied to me, brazenly, brazenly, shamelessly, shamelessly, in my own house’ about his intentions in the Darling Downs. Nooman lamely called him a ‘bloke from the south’, forgetting Jones grew up in rural Queensland and he, Nooman, in Tasmania.

Polls were taken and withheld by Murdoch. The bookies had not moved, but the ‘no more privatisation’ message was clearly cutting through and the unthinkable was being thought, that Nooman was friendless, mistrusted, resented, loathed and by most sentient humans despised, and his ‘strong, strong, strong’ mantra was pathetic, and he would lose both his seat and his imperium, and old women would spit on him in the street. And he had spent a hundred and twenty million on his electorate, Jones noted, waspishly, ‘a world record amount, worthy of Mugabe’, to no avail.

Dutton told Leigh Sales that the ‘sixty-eight ringleaders’ of ‘non-compliance’ on Manus, lately clubbed, dragged out and hospitalised, had themselves been ‘fashioning weapons’ but couldn’t say what weapons those were. He said they had better get used to life imprisonment for the foul crime of setting out on a journey in July not June, or else fly home to execution in their country of origin.

Asked how many had been ‘resettled’, he couldn’t think of any. These things take time, he pleaded, though on some boats many refugees’ fates were decided in twenty minutes, and anyway eighteen months, the time between Dunkirk and Pearl Harbour, wasn’t very long, not very long at all. He already looked haggard and buggered and burnt out and was talking, as Ruddock once did, of ‘inappropriate behaviour’ (starving oneself to death) which would not achieve an ‘unacceptable outcome’ (seeing one’s wife and children again) because ‘our borders must be protected’ (though from what danger — hard-working farmers and teachers? — he couldn’t say); and burying the better half of himself in evil for his Party’s sake, in order to win and keep the ‘hate vote’, as it was called, on the ‘dark side’, as the Liberal Party was now known.

Obama came out for socialism, calling it ‘middle class economics’, and Hockey put his face in his hands. He then advocated ‘free community colleges’ — the equivalent of free TAFEs — and CHEAPER university degrees, and Pyne began to whinny, and locked himself in the loo.. The Police Union said Nooman, who was running on ‘law and order’, had lied to them too and ‘couldn’t be trusted with a disembowelled pit bull in a fridge in the morgue’ after he promised them danger money he didn’t give them, for risking their lives after midnight; ‘Not a penny,’he shrieked, ‘not a penny. Sucked in!’

Murdoch published a poll and an article suggesting Palaszczuk Labor was on 47.5 percent, two party preferred, the LNP on 46.05 two party preferred and the other votes ‘exhausted’. This made a hung parliament likely, and a Labor victory possible. It was taken on landlines before the full enormity of the Alan Jones counterblast went seismic round the regions and his core constituency, the coppers, called him unambiguously a lying cunt, and was probably therefore understated by 2 or 2.5 percent. One pundit, Bob Ellis, called the election for Palaszczuk. The bookies thought not, but agreed there was no way Nooman would retain his seat.

7.30 revealed the corrupt arrangements of Joh’s Moonlight State were back, and unidentified businessmen could pay a fortune to eat with Nooman, or Seeney, or Springborg, or John Howard and rub their tummies and adjust the government’s policies to their financial advantage. No-one from Nooman’s government commented; and the odds on his party winning began to plummet precipitously.

And so it went.

The Three Worst Things The Liberals Did Yesterday (172)

Joe Hockey said people will be living to a hundred and fifty soon, and they should be pre-emptively punished for this. Asked if he had ‘blown his stack’ when Abbott, in his absence, tried on his fool idea of a twenty dollar fine for anyone who presumed to go to the doctor and left the surgery nine minutes later, he said he ‘didn’t want to discuss it’. It hadn’t happened, he swore, it was gossip, it hadn’t happened, but if it had — which it certainly hadn’t — he didn’t want to talk about it. All government decisions were ‘unanimous’, he said, and had a pre-breakfast gin, and a soothing Cuban cigar. Shorten called it ‘his Sarah Palin moment: I can see Russia from my house’, but it resembled more closely, some thought, David Johnston’s ‘Hiawatha canoe moment’, which did for him altogether: thus departed David Johnston, in the glory of the sunset, in the purple mists of evening, of the south-west wind, Keewaydon,’ and so on, as the new poem went.

Did Joe have a future? There was growing evidence he didn’t. Every time he came out to bat, as it were, he scored a duck, and groaned aloud as he trudged back to the pavilion. He had as much future as ninety percent of his stomach, now in a fridge labelled ‘surplus to requirements’; a fair description, some said, of Joe, these days, himself.

Julie Bishop, looking a good bit like the late Hatshepshut in recent years — or as if, some said, a vampire had sucked out her Botox — ‘wasn’t ruling out’, she said, ‘recalling our Ambassador to Indonesia’ if Widodo at any time soon put two Australian drug traffickers, chained and gagged, before a firing squad as he planned to. This would leave Widodo, a non-Charlie Muslim, with the vengeful option of arresting and shooting twenty or thirty of Morrison’s scavenging seadogs for having ‘people smuggled’ genuine refugees back into Indonesia by moonlight in orange boats last year without his permission, an act of invasive war in recent centuries, he judged, against which there was no appeal. He meantime shot to death two women, among four men, on the weekend to show he wasn’t kidding.

Seven hundred refugees rioted in Manus, preferring death by bashing now to living in PNG with heathen cannibals hereinafter, and the Acting Prime Minister, Truss, said ‘It’s hard to know what’s going on up there’. Asked why he didn’t let in reporters with videocameras, he said, ‘It’s none of my affair.’ Asked why Reza Barati’s murderers were still ‘administrating the facility’, he said, ‘I don’t know anything about that. Oh dear, I think it’s time I had my afternoon lie-down. Excuse me, won’t you.’ As he snored, a hit squad of Reza Barati’s murderers went in with clubs and chains and ‘resolved the situation’, with a ‘minimum of casualties’.

Murdoch read keenly, and quickly erased all cross-Queensland polling, though local surveys in significant electorates showed numbers flowing, surging, deluging, towards Palaszczuk. Nooman erased the word ‘privatise’ from his jumpy, buoyant, crack-pated speeches. It was a word Queenslanders hated, he had found. Alan Jones attacked him for ‘undermining’, literally, his heartland, west Queensland. He looked more and more, as he strutted and squawked and flapped his short arms, like a character in Chicken Run. David Speers returned in Skynews Agenda despondent at how dire it looked for Abbott of late, and Graham Morris, downcast, said surely, surely, Nooman, the strongman, with his strong policies, and his strong team, wouldn’t lose. He wouldn’t lose, would he? Surely?

And so it went.

The Three Worst Things The Liberals Did Yesterday (171)

Julie Bishop boycotted Newman’s campaign launch, and it was thought that Hockey, Pyne, Abetz, Andrews and the Queenslanders Dutton and Brandis would not be coming either. A Galaxy poll in selected seats foreboded a wipeout in the north and big trouble in the south-east and a likely hung parliament or a Palaszczuk victory. A baby refused to cuddle Nooman who was bathed in sweat and repetitive and shouting, obscurely, ‘a one and a half billion dollar black hole!’, quoting his Treasurer.

Albo, noting the hottest year since the Ice Age, said the Liberals ‘put ideology before common sense’ and extreme weather events, thanks to Abbott, were increasing exponentially by the week. Abbott continued to be on holiday, after begging Widodo not to shoot two Australians. Many survivors of the Lindt Cafe siege queued up, wondering who should bag Baird first, and/or Abbott, who had refused to help them.

It was felt the Liberals were not good at protecting us from anything. Firing squads, climate change, Egyptian encarceration, Vladimir Putin, murderers on bail were coming for us in great numbers and Abbott was ‘on holiday’ and Bishop feebly defending Israel, our enemy’s enemy, in its fight with the ICC, and simultaneously asking the Muslim world for favours. It was unlikely Hockey would put his head above the parapet again, in any forum including Question Time, and very likely Josh would replace him soon, or Turnbull.

That was if Abbott survived. Several pundits thought that…well…not the twenty dollar fine for going to the doctor, but his panicked cancellation of it under furious backbench pressure, showed a leader in terminal trouble. He proposed to have on Team Australia Day millions of patriots singing in wild chorus ‘Advance Australia Fair’, a widely detested song, and a march-past and fly-over in the Mugabe or Ceaucescu manner and this would rouse the nation behind him.

After only 497 days, it had gone so bad for the Liberals. Behind in every state, and scorned by most of the civilised world, it was clear they didn’t know what they were doing, and Abbott had become, as Costello predicted, ‘a catastrophe as leader’.

Nooman had spent, it was reported, a hundred and twenty million dollars on Ashgrove to no avail. The billion Abbott was giving foreigners to find MH 370, Christ knows why, was bearing no fruit. Nicholls, in cash-strapped Queensland, would spend, if elected Premier, a billion on a new government building.

In New South Wales Garry Edwards, MP, was expelled from the Liberal Party and Bart Bassett, MP, prevented from running for Londonderry after ICAC probes besmirched them, and nine other serving parliamentarians, with varying whiffs and mutters of corruption. It was hoped that ‘Cleanskin’ Bambi Baird, though mired himself in Katrina’s killing and the release of the monster Monis on bail, would somehow stem the swing against the Liberals that had brought Labor, even under Robbo, to the brink of power with 49 percent, in Ipsos’ view. No poll had thankfully come out since Foley’s acclamation, nor would it if Rupert Murdoch, an influential person, had his way.

A baby girl killed by police was mourned and buried. It was noted that NSW cops had killed three times as many innocent humans as ‘terrorism’ in a mere month. No ‘Je Suis Katrina’ march, however, was thus far planned in Martin Place or Macquarie Street.

For the sixth week the prizewinning Liberal voter Kate McClymont refused to investigate the Lindt Cafe. ‘It would serve no useful purpose,’ she is said to have said, ‘to rake over now the old, dead coals of a case that has been, for so long, blessedly, thankfully closed.’ But more would come out, she promised, about that vile misspender of five thousand dollars, Craig Thomson, and the malevolent sexual monster Bob Ellis; watch this space.

Sharks appeared off Manly beach, home ground of the hairy jogging muscular Christians Baird and Abbott, despite their prayers. Refugee insurgents on Manus expelled their prison guards, and in a violent day-long siege attracted world attention to their cause, that of seeing their wives and children once again, something Dutton called ‘a preposterous demand’. PUP launched their campaign, calling in potent commercials Nooman’s plans and record ‘rubbish’. Nooman launched his campaign, the small, ugly smile on his face reminiscent of that of a cult leader two days after the world failing to end. Only Truss was up on stage with him, and behind him fifty faces visibly mortified by his incompetent loss of twenty seats or, maybe, forty.

He warned against a ‘hung parliament of Katter, Palmer and Labor’ whose threat he compared with the present Senate, which had thus far saved us from the co-payment and Pyne’s quarter million dollar university degrees. ‘We can’t have that,’ he said. ‘ We don’t want that. We need a strong government. With a plan.’ He then disgusted his audience by saying, ‘We made the trains run on time!’ Images appeared in the minds of his aghast remaining disciples of Nooman hanging up dead by his heels in chains like his role model, Mussolini.

And so it went.

The Three Worst Things The Liberals Did Yesterday (170)

Lying, Newspoll said Newman was ‘neck and neck’ with Kate Jones in Ashgrove, over figures that showed her on 53 percent, after ringing only six hundred landlines on Tuesday and Wednesday nights, not those with mobiles out shopping or swimming or at the pictures, which would make it 54 percent. After this, the ‘margin of error’ of 4 percent might make her score…well…oh dear…58 percent.

On page 2 it was revealed that Jones led Nooman by 52 to 44 as ‘better local member’. And it seemed she would get what she got in 2009 pretty much, 56 percent, and Newman would lose the seat. On page 2 also Sean Parnell, a Liberal voter, said glumly Tim Nicholls might well be Premier in two weeks’ time.

Palaszczuk meanwhile had given a speech, well concealed on the least read page of The Australian, number 2, in which she said she would progressively pay off the debt — twelve billion in the next decade — by not selling anything, nothing at all, and using one third of the income from the entities not sold, 600 million a year, to restore some jobs which Nooman had abolished, to fund the tourist industry, save the Reef, and so on, and two thirds to pay off what was owed. This was massively plausible, and good economics, and therefore concealed in all the Murdoch media.

Experts announced this last year was the hottest since the Ice Age, and so cast doubt on the Prime Minister’s judgment that ‘global warming is a whole lot of crap’. Abbott was elsewhere in trouble with Brough, a Howard high-flyer he had not promoted, over his twenty dollar visiting-the-doctor fine, which Brough said he would denounce were it not cancelled, which it was. Sufficient backbench numbers existed, it seemed now, to sack Abbott or make him stand down; so Brough, perhaps — or Dutton, or Bishop, or Robb, or Ley, or Turnbull, or Josh Frydenberg — might replace him.

This would not occur before January 31, the date of Nooman’s ruin, and the forming of a Nicholls or Palaszczuk government after negotiations with Katter, Palmer, and Pauline Hanson.

Abbott refrained from offering his arse to Widodo, as he had to Windsor, but, near tears, beseeched him to refrain from shooting two Australian drug dealers before the Nooman election lest it cost him whatever shreds he had left of international credibility. ‘I’ve spent a billion not finding MH 370,’ he is said to have moaned, ‘cuddled a koala with the Antichrist, doubled the deficit, disgusted with my impertinent banality the leaders of Europe and enraged every doctor on this continent; and, worse, Mal Brough. Just give me this one, Joko. I’ll make it up to you, I swear. I’ll never send back into your waters a half-drowned refugee again.’ Widodo stared at his skyped image impassively. What a strange little person, he thought.

Galaxy showed Labor winning Queensland. ‘Swings of up to 12 percent in the state’s southwest,’ it was reported by The Brisbane Times, and ‘similar swings’ in those north Queensland seats which had last time voted KAP, meant there would be, probably, 40 or 50 less LNP seats by February 10. Nooman, wiping oodles of sweat from each fraught square inch of his tiny bald head, announced an extra fifty billion for obese children who might like to try cricket, and seemed more strident with reporters than usual. He said it was ‘a choice’ between the ‘chaos and incompetence’ of a Labor government which had delivered nine surpluses, and his ‘strong team’ which would, after sacking twenty-four thousand nurses, midwives, firemen, lifesavers and civil servants, ‘create jobs.’

The Galaxy poll was for Channel 9, and came out at 1.05 am. The Murdoch media made no mention of it; and concealed, probably, in deepest hugger-mugger a similar finding by Newspoll. If true it meant an easy Foley win in New South Wales, and Canberra chaos until Abbott walked, or was overthrown. It might mean the end of the Liberal Party, or its redefinition under Turnbull.

And so it went.

The Three Worst Thing The Liberals Did Yesterday (168)

Saul Eslake said Abbott’s promise of a million new jobs in five years would not be met. ‘The difficulty,’ he is said to have said, ‘is the quarter of a million old jobs abolished by Hockey when he ended auto manufacturing, the thirty thousand abolished by Johnston when he ended submarine building, and the twenty-five thousand nurses, midwives, lifesavers, firefighters and civil servants sacked by Nooman. The Liberals’ view that jobs growth begins with sacking hundreds of thousands doesn’t…add up.’

The price of oil halved. Rents, however, relentlessly went up. You could rent a shoe shop in Avalon for three thousand dollars a week and go broke in six months, or even four. The McLure Review told Morrison you can’t scare the disabled into working, the jobs aren’t there. Three hundred detainees on Manus Island refused to eat. More each day sewed up their lips. Dutton continued sobbing, with his face in his hands, and refused to come out of the bathroom.

The NSW Coroner, Michael Barnes, said an inquest into Katrina’s killing would occur next month, in the lead-up to the NSW election. A Lindt Cafe customer, Marcia Mikhael, wanted ‘a six-figure sum’ to ‘tell; tell all’. She it was who on a Monis video begged Abbott to save them, and was aghast when he wouldn’t. Baird asked Abbott for millions to compensate the ‘Chocolate hostages’, but got no reply.

Abbott attended the Prime Minister’s Eleven cricket match, refused to bat and pretended, with some success, he knew some details of the game. It was thought his new twenty-five dollar fine for going to the doctor would lose Nooman every seat he won in 2012, and Baird every seat O’Farrell won in 2011. ‘Somye old women go three times a week for their prescription,’ experts explained, ‘and will now have to euthanase their Pekingese to afford this. Two thirds of them used to vote Liberal, and they won’t, any more,’

The extinction of the Liberal Party like the UAP, Liberal Reform, the Communists and the Democrats was now a possibility. Baird and Nooman were amazed that ‘Tony hates us so much he sneaked this in, like a Grinch, at Christmas.’

Albrechtsen, breasts heaving, asked Howard how he felt about causing the deaths, displacement, insanity and economic ruin of six million people, and he said, ‘Well, embarrassed. But I do emphasise that Tony, George and I acted, in concert, on advice we then thought reliable, that Saddam would not use his atomic bombs on us, but hide them in the sand.’ Asked why he had lied about the Children Overboard, he said, ‘It wasn’t a lie. I sincerely believed some mothers would feed their suckling children to the sharks. My mother, for instance…’ Then he grew quiet, and changed the subject.

Nooman cursed Abbott openly for the twenty dollar fine he planned to impose on old women going to the doctor. Sussan Ley, back from her holidays, squealed and attacked the furniture and ‘took the whole thing off the table’, she said, thus saving, perhaps, the Liberal Party from immediate extinction and Nooman from electoral wipe-out on the 31st. She said, however, that ‘measures would have to be taken’ to make Medicare ‘affordable and sustainable’. Merely lifting the Medicare levy from 1.5 percent of annual income to 1.75 percent of the income of the ‘poor’ and 2.5 percent of the income of those on 150,000 a year, and 3.5 percent of those on 500,000, did not occur to her. But then, she was new to the job, and a fucking fool.

Murdoch kept on insisting Nooman was ‘gaining ground’ in his flagship The Courier Mail but never said why or how. A page 1 headline yelled, feebly, ‘Business Leaders In No Doubt: Newman On Right Track On Asset Sales’, and had the readers of The Australian, now down to double figures in Queensland, and single figures in Victoria, in a flapping, squawking fury of dissent. Privatisation was hated everywhere in the world, not least because it never worked (train crashes usually followed, or power bills doubling), and the headline persuaded them that this was what he, Nooman, was up to. He said it wasn’t so; it was a ‘ninety-nine year lease’, but it was widely thought he lied.

Widodo proposed to shoot two Australians for drug trafficking some years ago. Julie Bishop, who had just praised the magazine Charlie Hebdo for ridiculing the Holy Prophet Mohammed, unaccountably failed to persuade this genial, modernising, tractable Muslim not to do this — in the same way, some thought, as she had lately failed to persuade, after acclaiming the mass murderer Netanyahu for his slaughter of four hundred Gaza children, the Egyptian President Fattah Abdel el-Sisi to release Peter Greste, an Australian who had criticised his regime. A poll showed her lagging behind Malcolm Turnbull as preferred Prime Minister, by 26 percent to his 36; though she was well ahead of Abbott, who was on 14; the lowest score for a sitting Prime Minister in human history.

And so it went.

The Three Worst Things The Liberals Did Yesterday (167)

Janet Albrechtsen, a Liberal voter, stood up for our right to bully nine-year-old Muslim girls as ‘Mohammed’s whores’ in the playground and shove their heads down toilet bowls. ‘This is what Charlie Hebdo means,’ she said, and cited the unjust conviction of Andrew Bolt for saying ‘Some girls just aren’t black enough’ in his influential column in the Herald-Sun as a ‘shame on our nation’.

‘John Howard wants 18C abolished,’ she added, with heaving bosoms, breathlessly, ‘and so do I. Tony Abbott is a lily-livered fraud,’ she went on, flexing lips unaccountably tempting to Rhys Muldoon, ‘for backing down on this issue. A jelly-back! A coward! Are you with me? Are you with me?’ A ‘Je Suis Janet’ march up George Street was planned, and has thus far attracted fourteen enthusiastic disciples.

Her hundred-hour interview with John Howard continued on Skynews, whose viewership during its initial broadcast reached, to Murdoch’s amazement, double figures. Howard said he ‘felt a fool’ for putting on a bullet-proof garment in order to address a crowd of paspalum-chewing Bob Katter lookalikes in Western Queensland in May 1996, but felt he was right not to criticise, ‘even for a minute, even for a sentence’, Pauline Hanson when she first spoke up against the yellow hordes and thus let her gain eleven seats in Queensland, and thus ensure fifteen years of Beattie-Bligh-Labor.

‘It was a wise decision,’ he said, ‘as was, indeed, my enthusiastic determination to wage unflinching war on Iraq and thus cause the murder, displacement, insanity and ruin of six million souls. Six million is a figure that appeals to me.’ Albrechtsen’s parted lips and heaving bosom added interest to a conversation, now in its fiftieth hour, that was elsewhere thought by aghast academics ‘more tedious than the reflections of Charles Pooter in Diary of a Nobody.’

Baird proposed to increase the rate of one-punch murders in Kings Cross by letting violent drunks enter nightclubs after 1.30 am. This was nothing to do, he declared, with the two hundred thousand smackers the Liquor Industries had contributed to his party’s last campaign. ‘It is because a number of bloodhouses have closed,’ he said, ‘and men with tattoos and eye-patches nostalgic for the good old days would like to see them open again, and free-for-alls between transvestite Ice addicts with meat-cleavers resume in that legendary district.’ Told that violence had come down by a third since the early-closing law was enacted, he said, ‘What has that to do with it? We’re talking about gangsters losing money, and having less to advance to the Liberal Party. Oops.’

A million Queenslanders woke up an hour early and blamed Campbell Newman. This was because their mobile phones had switched over to Summertime — a season Queensland does not recognise — and the crazed, punctuality-mad, runty, bald sarmajor had not prevented this. It was all of a piece, some said, with his early surprise election during their holiday hangover, the first in January in Australia since 1913. His rating dropped by two percent, making him the least approved Premier or Prime Minister or President in world history.

Palaszczuk asked who would be Premier if he lost his seat? He refused to say, and, looking haggard and shrivelled, claimed he was only just starting work on a railway line that would open four years after he lost his seat. ‘Trust me,’ he pleaded. ‘Trust me.’

Shorten said he would oppose and overthrow in the Senate the new twenty-dollar co-payment for a doctor’s visit, and Palmer, Lambie and Xenophon said they would too, debating this in the Upper House in early February. This meant voters in Queensland would be talking of nothing else on January 31; and the LNP would on that day be in big, big trouble, and might achieve as many seats as Labor did in 2012.

Three hundred asylum seekers on Manus, where Reza Barati was bashed to death with a rock,went on a hunger strike. Three sewed up their lips, and one swallowed a razor blade. Peter Dutton, lately voted by thousands of doctors ‘the worst Health Minister in the last thirty-eight years’, found himself, to his amazement, Minister for Immigration, and as likely as Morrison to go befôre the International Criminal Court for kidnap, illegal detention, child abuse and piracy. He squared his shoulders, straightened his tie, then put his face in his hands and wept uncontrollably.

And so it went.

The Three Worst Things The Liberals Did Yesterday (166)

Andrew Clennell, a Liberal voter, advised Baird to ‘just ignore’ Luke Foley and he would go away; he did this on page 13 of The Daily Telegraph. On page 1, however, there was a headline acclaiming Foley for his aim, if elected, to cut by two thirds all tax on all bets on horses, and, on page 2, praise for his ‘can-do attitude’ by the selfsame self-loathing Andrew Clennell. Rupert Murdoch, an hereditary problem gambler, will have demanded he write this, and change the paper’s vote, mayhap, to Labor. Clennell drank whisky, and hoped it would go away.

NSW police killed three times as many people, in the past month, as terrorists, it was revealed after Bowral coppers tasered to death a recovering drug addict who was making, his brother said, ‘good progress’. Baird begged Abbott for millions to compensate those Lindt Cafe customers his goons had wounded or killed lest he have to do it himself, with money he didn’t have. The Dawson family were planning to sue him for wrongful killing, it was rumoured, and he was frantic.

It was thought some Sydney police were snorting more Ice than was beneficial to them or the larger community. No Royal Commission, though, Baird swore, would investigate why a plan to shoot Monis before he killed anybody was not proceeded with, and a plan they called ‘an eye for an eye’, to shoot him after he killed somebody, was preferred. Or why he had not been sniped by available army experts fifteen hours before. Or ten. Or seven. And why they waited till he was tired and irritable and murderous, and did not send in anybody — an imam, Mamdouh Habib, Tony Abbott — to talk to him.

No ‘Je Suis Katrina’ march against the NSW police has yet been planned. It was suggested to Baird, and it left him sobbing. ‘We will get through this,’ he blubbered over his cornflakes. ‘We will get through this.’

Nick Cater, a Liberal voter, called for the punishment of all Muslims for the events in the Lindt Cafe. Like punishing all Catholics for their co-religionist Hitler’s massacres of tens of millions, and all Jews for their co-religionist Netanyahu’s massacre, last June, of three thousand Gazans, and of all Chinese for their occasional killings, in mere hundreds, of Muslim Uigurs in their various small towns for exercising free speech in the past ten years, his plan had flaws. So did his call for the 18C debate that Brandis had summarily trashed to ‘start afresh’. ‘We all have the right to be bigoted,’ his first draft is said to have said, ‘all, that is, except for the swarthy, hook-nosed Muslim infidel. Oops.’

‘The bracing challenge for the Abbott government this year,’ The Australian editorialist wrote, ‘is to implement remedial action where last year there was discord and failure.’ ‘Kicking the can down the road to our children,’ he forcefully added, was very, very wrong. Better, far better, to charge them a quarter of a million for their degrees rather than, oops, sixty-four thousand for their degrees and the national debt in toto; a quarter that is of what Abbott was charging.

He further called Shorten ‘Chauncey Gardiner’ for suggesting Australia, stimulated, might soon enjoy ‘growth’. He then in gloom admitted there was a lot of growth, dad blast it, after the fall in the dollar and the price of petrol; a lot of growth. This was clear proof, he concluded, that Bill didn’t know what he was talking about. Growth and lower individual expenditure wouldn’t do it. How could they. The figures added up, but Rupert wasn’t interested in figures. ‘All of Thatcher’s figures were wrong,’ the great man tweeted, ‘but what a triumph she was.’

Cheating, Abbott ensured that all who went to the doctor for under ten minutes would pay twenty dollars for it. Under the new sadistic provisions, doctors would not bulk-bill, and could not afford to. This elevation of the threat to old women and cripples from seven dollars to twenty dollars ten cents per visit, costing sixty dollars a week to some old women, meant Newman would lose Queensland, which was full of retired oldies, and Baird nearly all old New South Welshpersons, who were skint.

Both Baird and Newman were foaming with rage.

The AMA voted Dutton ‘the worst Health Minister in Australian history’.

And so it went.

The Three Worst Things The Liberals Did Yesterday (165)

The Daily Telegraph concealed a Galaxy showing Labor ahead in New South Wales. Of 832 voters, it reported, 57 percent said Robbo was right to resign, 23 percent said he was wrong, and 20 percent were uncommitted. No other finding of the poll was published, indicating Foley Labor will win, or come close.

Police admitted to killing Katrina Dawson, and some were angry they did not ‘go in sooner’, and an ‘eye-for-an-eye’ plan had been adopted, of ‘do not kill Monis till he kills one of us’. They waited seven minutes after his first salvo of gunfire for him to do this. They then burst in, killed him, and fired twenty or so more rounds, killing Katrina; and in their initial reports claimed Monis, not they, had killed her.

It was revealed as well they wouldn’t let Muslim leaders talk to him, or Tony Abbott either, thus increasing his frustration on this, the last day of his life, and making him more likely to kill people.

Terrified by Newspoll’s fabricated figures showing his party winning, and him losing his seat on the 31st, Campbell Newman announced 26,000 new apprenticeships, to make up for the 24,000 firemen, midwives, nurses, lifesavers and civil servants he had sacked two years ago. He would pay for these, he said, by privatising the electricity, a policy that loses all governments office wherever it is attempted in the whole wide world but he thought was ‘worth a try’.

Yesterday’s fabricated Newspoll showed Newman, sacker of nurses, ahead, somehow, on ‘Health’, by 41 percent to 36. This was done by adding a category, ‘someone else’, and also ‘uncommitted’, to the mix of parties on that question. The ‘someone else’ was probably a Green, and would add, by the look of it, 8 percent in preferences to Labor, putting them ahead by 3 percent, which is where they would be in an election. ‘We have not BEGUN to cheat,’ chuckled Murdoch in America, before his nightly sedation. ‘You ain’t seen nuthin’ yet.’

Bowral police amazed no-one by tasering another drugged young man to death, his capital crime being this time stealing hamburgers, not biscuits. ‘It hadn’t occurred to us that tasering plus Ice kills people,’ one of them said. ‘Well, we know now.’ NSW police this week, it was noted, killed more people than Monis, the other being a little child they ran over in a playground. They then admitted killing Katrina Dawson. No inquiry, Baird insisted, would be called, no way, into why they were so fucking mad or if they took Ice themselves; they were doing ‘a first rate job’, he babbled. He then refused a memorial plaque in Bowral to another slaughtered innocent. ‘We will get through this,’ he added, wet-eyed. ‘We will get through this.’

Truss considered quitting, then glumly filled in for Abbott (who had ‘gone on holiday’, it was laughingly asserted) in Queensland, where he came from, and where Abbott was now ‘toxic’, according to his closest friends. He had thought of ‘Marching for Charlie’ in Paris with other world leaders, but Credlin feared the French would shoot him for having lately beseeched Europe’s leaders to ‘speak from the heart’, something they had not done since early Roman times, and bade him stay home. Book into the Steyne perhaps, reread Brideshead Revisited and eat steak and chips and drink Guinness with Baird in the back bar, and talk of the death of God, till a bushfire arrived they could fight, heroically, side by side.

Morgan showed Labor winning, federally, in Queensland with 54 percent, a swing of 18 percent from the September election last year. They needed only a 10 percent swing to win the state election. This looked pretty likely. It was not thought Newman was more popular than Abbott. He was already losing his own seat, and it was possible Queenslanders hated him even more (though this was a hard ask) than the current Prime Minister. ‘He’s more than toxic,’ said Nooman’s closest friends. ‘Leprosy, herpes, Cory Bernardi and ebola, put together, are more popular these days than the Little Sarmajor. I wish, I wish, he’d go away.’

In the middle distance, he spat on a child. They averted their eyes.

And so it went.

The Three Worst Things The Liberals Did Yesterday (164)

Rupert Murdoch, a Liberal voter, said Muslims must take responsibility for the murderous jihadists they had ‘failed to re-educate’. This echoed his previous opinion that the Catholic Church must take responsibility for the Holocaust after a Catholic, Adolf Hitler, had ordered that crusade against ‘the evil Jew’. ‘Hitler was not excommunicated,’ he wrote at the time, ‘and the entire world-wide Catholic Communion was therefore complicit in his genocide.’ He was thought a damn fool then, as now.

Murdoch then commanded his propaganda engines Galaxy and Newspoll to print the opposite of the truth, to wit, that in Queensland Labor was leading with 52 or 53 percent; and lo, it came to pass. Some confusion, however, attended the enactment of this directive. In Newspoll, Katter’s party got 1 percent, in Galaxy 3. In Galaxy, Palmer’s party was on 3, though ReachTEL, on Tuesday, had it on 6. If it were indeed 6 the score overall would be 50-50. If KAP were on 3, it would be 52 Labor’s way. Newspoll’s sampling, moreover, was, at 801, surprisingly low, nay, suspiciously low, and it rang only landlines, though no-one under thirty has one, and everyone under fifty was out of the house, swimming or at the pictures with their children.

And what it was actually flagging by Palaszczuk’s approval, up 4, and her rating as Preferred Premier, up 3 to 38, versus Newman, down 2 to 42, was Labor ahead on 52 or 53. It seemed there were young mutineers in the Murdoch machinery, wanting to get the truth out, or hint at it.

Morgan, the accurate poll, would be out on Monday, probably; showing, probably, Labor, 2PP, on 53 or 54, having rung on mobiles the young voters who detested Newman for sacking twenty thousand midwives, nurses, firemen, lifesavers and young married civil servants. No analysis accompanied Newspoll’s bizarre contradictory figures, only a meek acknowledgement that Newman, of all people, was winning. After bookies agreed he would lose his seat, they kept the reason for this paradox deathly quiet.

Both Murdoch and Fairfax revealed that Katrina Dawson had been killed by a police ricochet. It was likely such ricochets had wounded three other hostages. Why they shot Monis many, many times, ‘twice in the head’, was not explained; nor was a picture of his shattered skull published; nor any account, yet, by surviving eyewitnesses, of what the fuck the rogue policemen thought they were up to in the nine minutes of deathly quiet between Monis’s first shot and his second. Nor what their opinion of Tony Abbott was after he refused to help them, get eight of them out by chatting, harmlessly, to the terrorist on the telephone; nor of Baird when he did not let Monis’s friend Mamdouh Habib in to reason with him, urge him to stop it, let these women go.

Though much was known of the three sieges in France four days ago and two days ago, nothing much was known of Martin Place four weeks ago. This was the Liberal Way: these were ‘on-chocolate matters’ which could not be discussed, for reasons of national security.

Some refugees Morrison had locked up for five years were released by Dutton: they were not, after all, a threat to anyone, ASIO backtracking decided, and they were free to go. They could sue Morrison for millions now. Forty more were in Villawood, two of them women, awaiting a similar ‘recall to life’, and court cases that would enrich them also, after libel actions against S&M, who had implied they were terrorists, in interview after interview, after praying for their souls.

Pyne spent eight million dollars, enough to keep two small theatres going for a thousand years on the interest alone, touting his proposed impoverishment of university students. He got his own degree free, and his house for eighty thousand. His view was they should spend two million dollars more on these advantages, and he thought he could persuade them, with advertising money, in millions, of the wisdom of this unappealing sacrifice of the next forty years of their lives.

Baird proposed a ‘permanent monument’ in Martin Place to Katrina Dawson, whose death he had done a good deal to cause. His minders boggled at his blithering stupidity, then had a hot chocolate, laced with whisky, at the Lindt.

And so it went.

After Two Polls, A Queensland Prediction

(1) Wednesday’s ReachTEL poll, properly deciphered, shows Labor easily winning Queensland on January 31.

Its published result is 50-50, but it is based on the 2012 distribution of Palmer, Green and ‘other’ preferences, which favoured Newman more than they would now. Labor on 38.1 plus Green on 7.6 plus Palmer on 6.3 plus ‘other’ on 7.7 would add up, probably, to Labor on 52.5 two party preferred, LNP on 47.5 and a comfortable Palaszczuk majority.

And it could be more than that. Only landlines were rung, and only those respondents willing to talk, on Tuesday night, to a machine. A similar methodology in 2013 had Rudd, Swan, Clare, Burke, Bowen and Dreyfus losing their seats. Add in even a 1 percent sampling error to this, and the Labor vote is on 53.5, two party preferred.

To the question, ‘Do you think the LNP has done enough to deserve re-election?’, 33.2 percent of 18-34 year olds answer yes, 34 percent of 35-50 year olds, 39.6 percent of 51-65 year olds, and only 54.8 of over 65 year olds; 38.3 percent of men, and 33.5 percent of women.

More importantly, only 34.3 percent of regional people think it does, and 52.2 percent think not. This means, pretty much, that the LNP ‘heartland’ is gone, voting, possibly, Palmer, or Hanson, or Katter. These three parties command between them 14 percent, and the Greens 7.6 percent. On ReachTEL, which so comprehensively underestimated the anti-LNP vote in 2013..

Which points to Labor on 53.

(2) Today’s Galaxy is, I suspect, a not unusual instance of Murdoch fraud. It shows a 1 percent vote for Palmer, a hundred and fifty thousand less votes, that is, than his party got on ReachTEL on Tuesday; and a paradoxical gain for Palaszczuk as preferred Premier, up 6 percent to 38, with Newman on only 42, a figure no leader has won with in a century.

Deciphered, this probably means, distributing Palmer preferences more to Labor than they were in 2013 federally, 51.5 percent to Labor two party preferred, and a narrow Labor win. As usual, the respondents were on landlines, octogenarians at home on cheap movie night and on midsummer nights when the young and the middle-aged were still at the beach. The ‘mobile phone factor’ then brings Labor’s vote up to 53 , and a clear win on the 31st.

If, of course, the ‘Queensland factor’ is not also in play, This won Hanson eleven seats, defying all the polls, in 1997, and 25 percent of the vote. It could perform a similar trick this time for Palmer; or Katter; or (even) Hanson. The present 13 percent for ‘others’ shows a good deal of this (they can’t be all Cunningham nostalgics), as do the 5 percent ‘uncommitted’, a hundred thousand people.

Galaxy has a good record of accuracy on election day; but, before then, plays funny-buggers in a famous, practised Murdoch way, as the Fox News polling did in 2012, showing Romney ahead, or competitive, in the USA.

It’s important Labor people don’t take his latest fraud seriously. If Palaszczuk is now 3 percent up on where she was last time, when Labor’s vote was 50, then it’s likely her party is too.

That’s 53 percent. And my call for election day.

If Morgan shows otherwise, I will reconsider,

And we will see what we shall see.

The Three Worst Things The Liberals Did Yesterday (163)

Lying, The Daily Telegraph editorial said ‘Dark Horse Foley Faces Uphill Battle’ though it had printed on an earlier page a Galaxy showing Labor, on 46, two percent away from government, in a poll that called the landlines only (and no-one under thirty has one) of those not out swimming or shopping or cinema-going last Tuesday and Wednesday night — a difference, probably, of 2 percent, and enough for Foley to win government by.

Sri Lanka overthrew its tyrant and thus made it likely that Abbott, Bishop and Morrison would be implicated in his war crimes against Tamils, some of whom S&M had sent back to be tortured or killed after their kidnapping by his pirates, and a rapid assessment of their suitability as refugee immigrants that lasted, sometimes, only minutes. He, and they, would be called before the ICC soon, it was now likely, and condemned by that world body.

Newman begged Abbott to stay out of Queensland, and it seemed he might not turn up for the funeral of eight murdered children in Cairns to speak of the hope this tragedy brought to all Australians, the way he does. A fabricated Galaxy poll showed Newman gaining  3 percent but losing, curiously, 3 percent to Palaszczuk as preferred Premier, and Palmer getting only 1 percent though ReachTEL showed him on 6.5, and the LNP losing its regional heartland to Labor, and Newman losing his seat, like Howard, after only two and three quarter years in parliament. It gave some Liberals hope that Murdoch would stick with them till January 31st; but, after that, if Newman lost, along with the LNP, all bets were off.

Gerard Henderson, a Liberal voter, said there was ‘no causal relationship’ between the unemployment, in France, of youth with Arab surnames and their propensity to terrorism; that terrorism, he said, was because, and only because, ‘the jihadists all hate freedom of expression, the heathen swine’. Gerard, who hates the freedom of expression of those who mock his deity Jesus, whom he eats on Sundays after drinking his blood, seemed a little flummoxed when defending Le Pen and her anti-Semitism, saying she was not like her father and hated Jews ‘only slightly’. He said jihadists proposed to establish an Islamist state in Australia, and we should be ‘very vigilant’. ‘Poor soul,’ his hospice nurse whispered. ‘I fear he’s not long for this world.’ She crossed herself and removed his bedpan, sighing.

Janet Albrechtsen, a Liberal voter, said after many, many days of interviewing her wizened, compassionate, magnanimous, short-arse hero, ‘John Howard does not dwell on the past, he concentrates on the future.’ This may have been because he helped cause, in the past, an unjust war that killed or displaced six million people — and is killing fifty a week even now — on the basis of some forged, enfeebled evidence of atomic bombs that Saddam Hussein, he thought, was concealing in the sand and not using on his enemies. In the past too he lost, somehow, his own safe seat, and he didn’t like to think of that. He favoured the Birthday Ballot too, the abolition of Medicare, the sacking of Utzon, and boycotting the Olympics because they were in Moscow. He didn’t like to think of any of that.

‘Howard’s legacy only grows stronger,’ the silly woman said. She did not mention what that legacy was. Denying IVF to lesbians? Giving Doug Moran the mortgages of the houses of the demented? Killing all seven Bakhtiyaris? Saying there would ‘never, ever’ be a GST, then claiming a ‘mandate’ for it with a vote of 48 percent? The choice was very large. It was wondered if this long-necked, beautiful woman believed a word of what she was writing. This mattered very little to Rhys Muldoon. He was keen to fuck her still, poor man; poor man.

Malcolm Mackerras, an enduring fool, who has been wrong in ninety-two percent of his election predictions, published a Queensland ‘Pendulum’, and predicted Labor, on 46 percent, would win twenty-nine seats, and the LNP, on 54 percent, fifty-five seats, that Newman would lose his seat, and Springborg be Premier by February 3.

He made one pundit, Bob Ellis, tremendously certain Labor would win easily.

And so it went.

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Terrorists killed some cartoonists, journalists, editors and police in Paris and drove away shouting ‘God is great!’ in a stolen car. Within minutes, there were eyewitness statements on television. In Sydney, by contrast, a terrorist had killed a hostage and fell in gunfire that killed another hostage after a day-and-night-long siege and international attention, but there were no eyewitness statements for three and a half weeks.

On orders from some government agency, the dramatic events of sixteen hours were being suppressed, it seemed, in all media. It was wondered why this was. That the PM had refused to talk to the terrorist, though begged to by two female hostages? That the terrorist’s wife was with him, and had got away? That a sniper had a clear shot at him, and Baird forbade it? That the terrorist, guilty of several crimes, in Iran and Australia, had been for fifteen years on an ASIO retainer? That Katrina Dawson’s family was waiting for a money settlement, from the government whose dumb-arse people had killed her? It was hard to say. Only one thing was certain: Kate McClymont would not be looking into it. She was a Liberal voter.

Abbott was in the Middle East, but refused to go Egypt to plead for Peter Greste. He flew instead to the Adelaide Hills, and talked there not about the bushfires, and how his climate change stance in the light of them was ludicrous, but of the events in Paris, which he said ‘could happen in Australia’; and would happen, he hoped, very soon. He then advised the public to forget he had said that, and ‘carry on as usual’, and ‘not encourage the terrorists’; the way he does.

The bookies had Campbell Newman losing his seat, despite the three thousand dollars per constituent he had spent on it, using taxpayers’ money. And it was wondered by the voters who the fuck they were voting for. Murdoch columnists were quiet; and only Gary Johns, once a Labor MP, dared a prediction.

Newman would lose his seat, he said, and the leaderless LNP win government. This was because a swing more than ten percent was ‘unthinkable’. There had, though, been a seventeen percent swing in two byelections. ‘Unthinkable,’ he repeated, counting his Judas money, which he has for a decade now.

It was pretty clear Murdoch would switch soon. In The Daily Telegraph, there was praise for both Baird and Foley — ‘the next generation’, they were called by Christopher Brown — lest Rupert morph overnight into a born-again Foleyite, and famed heads roll.

Abbott fled the Adelaide bushfires and within three hours ‘turned up’ in the SCG commentary box overlooking the final Test. He was a better sledger than batsman, he matily admitted, and said he became a ‘cricket captain and social secretary’ when he was ‘up at Oxford’ because it meant he could drink beer in the pavilion when other Poms (and he remains a Pom) couldn’t do so in the local pubs. ‘The safest place for a glass of beer,’ he said, ‘was behind the stumps when I was bowling.’ The ABC bade him please go away, and he obediently, snickering, heh heh, did so. They with difficulty contained their revulsion, and returned their attention to the game, which India immediately began to win.

Abbott said those who had lost everything in bushfires could have, with no strings attached, a thousand dollars. With this they might, say, buy George Brandis a meal with expensive wine, and, after talking to him for an hour or two about the brave new Australia where billions more would be spent by him on ‘anti-terrorist vigilance’ and none on bushfire prevention, go back to the motel and shoot themselves.

And so it went.

Campbell’s Gamble

(First published by Independent Australia)

Newman’s move is a tremendous cheat, of course – many, many people, in particular students, will not get on to the electoral rolls by Saturday; a goodly number are not even in Australia – and it may well keep his party in power. But it’s possible it won’t, and it’s worthwhile reasoning why.

The LNP is a new party, and this is only its second outing. There was a fourteen percent swing to it, three years ago, and there’s a thirteen percent swing away from it now, according to Galaxy, a Murdoch poll. But it’s likely the swing is greater than that. A Bjelke-Petersen is the figurehead of another cashed-up conservative party. A Katter is running elsewhere, and Pauline Hanson herself, and the federal Senate is investigating Newman’s criminality. It’s unlikely those Senate findings will go unleaked.

There is also the matter of the people Newman sacked – nurses, firemen, public servants – after saying he wasn’t going to. Given the million voters that Abbott lost by a similar turnaround swearing jobs would be safe, and savaging the ABC, SBS, the universities and the submarine factories – it may well go harder with Newman, who has an uglier personality.

It is certain, pretty much, that Newman will lose his seat. And this poses a difficulty: Who, then, are the voters electing? Springborg, maybe. Seeney. Who knows?

It is Labor’s habit to imagine they ‘won’t quite make it’, in an election that, properly managed, could be a shoo-in. ‘Too many seats to win’ sounds like a convincing assessment, but only for a while, until you realise Palmer can win ten seats, Katter eight, Hanson two, and this leaves Labor only…seventeen to win if they are to form, in an uneasy coalition, a government that may last a year or so. Seventeen is not that hard. Twenty-five is not that hard.

We will know more when the Morgan Poll comes in. It is accurate; and it has lately shown Labor, federally, to be on 54.5, two party preferred, in Queensland. Though ‘two party preferred’ is next to meaningless in a state with five parties as plausible contenders, it is an indication.

It is an indication of how unpopular the tory parties are, especially after the world’s hottest year, and a ‘climate change is bullshit’ Prime Minister upbraiding Obama, of all people, for bringing the subject up.

And it is hard to see how Campbell Newman is more popular than Abbott. Which means, under normal conditions, 53 or 54 percent, two party preferred, for Labor on January 31.

Let us hope, sincerely hope, enough Labor voters get on to the rolls by Saturday.

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Abbott flew to Baghdad, avoiding bushfires in his adopted country which he might be unwelcome at, and was in that near-failed state made welcome, ‘as the leader of another near-failed state’ and allowed to watch, on television, the neighbouring nation ISIL boast of its balanced Budget and booming economy, and show what a peaceful city Mosul was, and what a gruesome sadness it was that America’s allies controlled only one percent of Syria, and various Muslim tyrannies the other ninety-nine.

It was thought Abbott had to be anywhere but Australia, every sub-group of whose population he seemed to have alienated, the disabled lately, by making them seek paid employment while dying of cancer if they wanted to keep their pension. Like ISIL’s policy of forced marriage, it seemed to many commentators ‘unjust’.

He found this out by spending four hundred thousand a month on ‘media research’ — polling, focus groups, reading the smh — and one hundred and seventy thousand dollars on a pamphlet, The Little Book of Labor Waste, for which was found scant readership. ‘Training programs’ were also funded, at hundreds of thousands of dollars a year, in ‘lean thinking’ and ‘clear conversations’. Two hundred and seventeen spin-doctors were thus employed, and one hundred and ninety-seven PR staff, some of them part-time, at Defence. Millions and millions and millions finding out what most of us learn from Radio National. Money, by God, well spent.

In Iraq, Abbott said he would spend on the needy in that country money he was taking from the needy at home. Hockey would announce soon if some of this came from the money not spent on compensation for the gross and baffling events in the Lindt Cafe. It may not have been, Hockey thought, a ‘terrorist incident’ after all. The victims might get no money from me at all, he concluded; then he grinned, unwinningly, and lit up a cigar.

Abbott claimed he was not in Iraq to ‘pick fights’ with the decapitating, crucifying, sex-enslaving ‘death cult’ ISIS, but to incite them into something more lurid, more apocalyptic, than a mere chocolate shop siege. Where were they when he needed them, in suicide vests under fireworks on New Year’s Eve blowing up thousands of WASPs in Circular Quay? Why had they not seized and beheaded Morrison as he sang in a Hillsong massed choir? What was wrong with these people? Why could they not be provoked? Andrews cowered behind him, like a meek titmouse at a bear-baiting. It was all going so, so wrong for both of them.

In Afghanistan, for instance, the Taliban declared their victory over the US, which had, in some confusion, just pulled out, declaring victory also. Abbott, in even more confusion, said he might add more Diggers to Iraq. This, after all, was where the real danger to Australian life and property was, not the Adelaide Hills. He had not been to the Adelaide Hills, of course, for fear of meeting Christopher Pyne there, and having to pose beside him at a Save The ABC rally, but he had, now, been to Baghdad, and he knew what he was talking about. His own camera crew made him seem more convincing, and asked him no confronting questions. They would be fired, of course, if they did.

Campbell Newman, noting he would lose his own seat in an unparallelled calamity if the election were held on schedule, decided to hold it within the Christmas holidays and the week after, when, hopefully, bushfires, tornadoes, floods and cyclones would distract the electors, and the relentless obedient Murdoch journalists, from his venemous, hydrophobic incompetence. Labor, perhaps, would be caught unawares.

And so it went.

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Lying, Piers Akerman called ‘the totally discredited Labor governments’ and ‘the woeful depravity of Labor’s fiscal failure’ an economic record that saw Wayne Swan acclaimed as ‘the world’s best Treasurer’, and six years of government that, unlike one hundred and eighty-eight other countries, avoided recession.

He admitted, though, that ‘a one-term Abbott government’ was now a possibility, because of ‘an electorate far more volatile than it has been in past decades’, and he, Abbott, ‘must explain why the revenue estimates are being downgraded much more dramatically than was thought necessary.’ He must gather the Cabinet around him in whispered hugger-mugger, Piers advised, without the presence of the noisy hellcat Credlin, lately nicknamed ‘Madam Lash’, and this time as ‘first among equals’ admit he, Abbott, is ‘not the suppository of all wisdom’ any more, if he ever was, a laughable unlikelihood, Piers meekly assessed. He should instead ‘model himself on King George V and Ronald Reagan’, who had with ‘broadcast Christmas sermons schmoozed their nations into ruinous periods of total bankruptcy which they cunningly, mesmerically called “walking tall”‘.

Piers then had a stiff pre-breakfast scotch, and a good lie down, till Murdoch rang him, asking what the fuck he thought he was doing.

This Murdoch, a hater of monarchy since the Queen had denied him, thrice, a knighthood, had meanwhile proffered a headline, ‘Forced To Have Sex With Andy: Palace Denies Duke Slept With Teen Slave’, which bagged that august bejewelled institution once again; and then, clearing his throat and hedging his bets, racked up two pages in praise of Luke Foley, a ‘family man’, and a ‘born leader’, with a ‘photographic memory and an obsession with sport’; though, alas, in his one time roommate Albo’s grim disgusted words, ‘an Easts supporter. It is quite sad.’

This was further evidence, in some views, that Rupert was ‘on the turn’ and apprised by recent accurate Newspolls that Labor would ‘shit it in’ on March 28 in New South Wales, and this he felt was a train he had better get on, before it left the station.

Abbott did not turn up at the South Australian bushfires lest he be blamed for them. He had called global warming ‘bullshit’, after all, and for five years made war on the Carbon Tax which, everywhere on Earth but here, was combating it. He seemed like a kind of planetary firebug, and was despised as well for ending auto and submarine manufacture in that state, and his shutdown of certain ABC studios there, Adelaide facilities so popular Pyne had beseeched him to keep them on. Pyne, it was agreed, would lose his seat, and that state would never again have a Liberal government, his
party having won only two elections legitimately in eighty years.

Cormann said Labor would, if they did not come to heel, ‘charge our children twenty-eight thousand dollars each’ for the ‘unpaid debts of this generation’. Far better, he swore, to charge them a quarter of a million dollars, not forty thousand, for their degrees; nine times the sum, that is, that he was railing against as being ‘unfair to our children’. He was ‘planning next year’s Budget already’, he admitted, since Joe could not be trusted anywhere near it, and it would be ‘full of goodies’.

John Grayson, who has terminal brain cancer and two years to live, was told by Morrison’s people he must constantly seek work, or lose his Disability Support Pension. He must report to employment agencies at Newcastle and Charleston each week, rather than, as he would prefer, visit his loved ones and say his goodbyes before he becomes bedridden. It is not known what employer would hire a man in his condition. He is a qualified engineer.

The famed hydrophobic sadist Morrison made no comment. He was speaking in tongues in Caringbah.

And so it went.

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A Newspoll showed Campbell Newman’s LNP losing 33 percent of its primary vote in Queensland. This, however, was an underestimate, based on homeloving octogenarians indoors and answering only landlines in the summer months and a redistribution of Palmer and Katter preferences favouring, as they do no longer, the LNP.

It put the parties at 50-50 two party preferred; but the more likely result was 54-46 favouring Labor, and Newman, with whom 51 percent of octogenarians were dissatisfied and 11 percent ‘uncommitted’, losing his seat. ‘His problem is tone, and overreach,’ wrote Michael McKenna, invisibly, on p2 of The Weekend Australian. ‘It didn’t help that Newman also faces a scare campaign over a massive privatisation plan he is taking to the election at a time when the state has the highest jobless rate in the country.’ The headline, further evidence, in some eyes, that Murdoch was on the turn, was ‘Punch-Drunk Campbell’s Fight For Survival’.

Another headline, on p11, ‘Sinking Feeling As The Liberal Brand Loses Its Grip On Market Share’, over an article by John Ferguson, Mark Coultan and Andrew Fraser, emphasised this. Even Newspoll had Labor on 60 percent in Victoria, and ahead in almost every state. ‘The Coalition vote has collapsed in five states,’ they groaned, ‘and leads Labor on a two-party-preferred basis only in Western Australia’, though Morgan, the accuurate poll, had Labor on 52.5 in that state and Barnett massively trailing McGowan as preferred Premier.

It was to be wondered if Abbott had a ‘mandate’ for anything any more, with Pyne certain to lose his seat, and a million more voters wanting Shorten as Prime Minister than Abbott, and 60 to 80 percent detesting his principal policies.

Another policy just announced, cutting money to homeopathy, herbalism, acupuncture and massage, affected perhaps only 1.8 million votes but lost Abbott all these without exception and forever. He seemed determined to lose each small group in turn until there was only Big Business left and it was wondered when, and how long ago, he had begun to take leave of his senses. ‘At Oxford,’ a contemporary suggested, ‘where the head-battering he suffered as a Boxing Blue laid down the foundation for his present sadistic mania, growing, it seems, by the hour.’

Commentators began calling Julie Bishop ‘his natural successor’, though she was a year older than he, unmarried, childless, cross-eyed, belligerent, over-fond of champagne, and politically leprous since her defence, long ago, of mesothelioma as nothing to get fussed about. The logical conclusion, that the Liberal Party was falling apart, as its predecessor the UAP did in 1944, did not occur to many of them, except Peter Reith, a former Deputy Leader, who warned them doom was imminent in a speech in his party’s high temple of greed, the Crown Casino. Tony Abbott was not’lifting a finger,’ he charged, ‘on industrial relations and job creation.’

Bushfires assaulted two Labor states, Victoria and South Australia. Credlin ordered Abbott to deny he had prayed for this. Many editorialits called this ‘the last year of the global warming denialists’. It had been, probably, the hottest year since the Ice Age. Minute by minute the Liberal vote melted away. Luke Foley, in Sydney, seemed certain to be Premier by March 29. Labor, in Adelaide, seemed likely to hold South Australia for fifty years. In the worst fires since Ash Wednesday, a once great party was burning away to nothing.

‘And when they are gone,’ Kim Beazley said, ‘who will mourn for them?’

And so it went.

The Three Worst Things The Liberals Did Yesterday (156)

Lying, Martin O’Shannessy published a Newspoll showing Barnett and Labor 50-50 in Western Australia. It omitted PUP altogether, redistributed Green preferences as they were in 2013 when some were still trickling over to the Liberals and rang, in the summer months, only those Menzies-voting octogenarians still indoors on landlines and no-one under forty.

It nonetheless showed McGowan preferred as Premier and more people satisfied with his performance, that is, 48 percent, than Barnett, on 37. Andrew Burrell, a Liberal voter, attributed this to Troy Buswell’s ‘drunken rampage in his ministerial car through the streets of inner-city Subiaco, and an ensuing controversy over an alleged cover-up’, and the Finance Minister Dean Nalder’s corrupt admixture of ‘his private business interests with his ministerial duties’.

The 50-50 result had been the same, O’Shannessy eccentrically alleged, since April, and has not altered even when WA lost its triple-A rating. It was a poll, an expert said, ‘magnificent in its defiance of the actual figures’.

John Howard ‘rebuked’ Obama for speaking up in favour of the Barrier Reef, which was ‘none of his business’, the old fool proclaimed, and ‘relied on misinformation’. This was a kinder assessment than when, in 2007, he had said ‘al Qaeda will be cheering on their candidate, Obama’ and openly preferred as President the moose-shooting drongo Sarah Palin. ‘This is no indication John Howard is senile,’ a Liberal insider explained. ‘He ‘s always been like that.’

In further signs that Murdoch is on the turn, a Bill Leak cartoon showed Abbott mistaking ‘barnacles’ for oysters and ‘biting off more than he can chew’ and a Daily Telegraph editorial calling Baird’s privatisation-led proposed expenditure on roads a ‘splurge’, and praising as ‘on the right track’ a Luke Foley leading, now, ‘a more realistic and viable Labor Party’ to victory in March. Clearly Newspoll was showing, secretly, as Morgan was openly, Labor winning easily and the Liberals retaining six or seven North Shore seats, and little more.

Julie Bishop astounded the world by suggesting Greste ‘serve out his sentence’ in Australia; spend, that is, six years in Goulburn Prison among hairy tattooed bikie rapists or, like David Hicks, get out early after being proved innocent. This alerted those Arabs not yet aware of it to her stupidity. Her vote on Palestine had been, of course, moronic, and likely to stir up teenage terrorism in Australia. ‘She is our finest recruiter,’ a member of IS is said to have said. Her enemy, Credlin, lately known as ‘Madam Lash’, proposed her demotion, and Abbott listened keenly.

His plans, meanwhile, to save his fellow daft muscular Christian Baird from extinction proceeded apace. There would be a march of Afghanistan war veterans, Abbott decided, on Saturday, March 21, and a NSW election on Saturday, March 28. The march would be disfigured by many arrests of teenage ‘terrorists’ thought to be wearing underpants-bombs near the Cenotaph (and the Lindt Cafe) in Martin Place. Helicopters with searchlights would probe certain suburbs that night, and a ‘terrorist masterplan’ headline blaze through the Sunday papers, and occupy all media space till election night. It was a plan much like Howard declaring war on late Sunday night, and calling an election on Monday afternoon, in 2001. It had worked before. ‘Busy idle minds with foreign wars,’ as Shakespeare’s Henry IV on his deathbed advised Prince Hal, was wisdom Abbott learned well at his master’s knee. It had worked before.

And it might work again.

No New Year knighthoods were announced. Nor would there be on Australia Day, though the Faustian midget Phillip Ruddock pined for one, as did the Transylvanian weirdo Nick Greiner and Sinodinos, prior to sentencing. Australia’s ruler, Credlin, had forbidden any more. Abbott, though, on the day if his imminent resignation, could appoint himself to the House of Lords.

On Australia Day, perhaps.

And so it went.

The Three Worst Things The Liberals Did Yesterday (153)

A small plane went down off Tasmania and Abbott was narrowly prevented from pledging a billion dollars to search for a year for its corpses. The billion dollars he was spending on the search for MH 370, MH 17 and now QZ 8501 was, Credlin murmured, ‘quite enough’. Morrison continued to cut twice that sum from the disabled, the unemployed, and the old and sick and was amazed the Senate cross-benches wanted no part of this. ‘The dead take precedence over the living,’ he insisted, ‘it’s in the Old Testament, my bedside reading. We build monuments for the dead, with the slave labour of the living, as in Moses’ time. Let my people sweat!’ He then fell to speaking in tongues, and laughing a lot, inscrutably.

Abbott begged radio listeners not to put back Labor, calling it a ‘surrender’ to the villains who had deliberately put us into deficit, ‘half the deficit we’re planning. Any deficit they can do, we can do double.’ Asked if Hockey would ever bring down a surplus, he said, ‘Not unless he’s a centenarian, heh heh heh.’

John Ferguson and Michael Owen, Liberal voters, warned under a headline, ‘Coalition “Faces Rout” In South’, that the Coalition would lose, now, four seats in Victoria and four, including Pyne’s, in South Australia, thus reducing their twenty-five-seat majority to nine in those two states alone. But Owen and Ferguson made no mention of the nine seats Labor would gain, on Morgan’s figures, in New South Wales and the eight in Queensland, giving Labor a twenty-five seat majority, or the three in Tasmania and the four in Western Australia which would make its majority thirty-nine.

It was clear from the placement of the story that Murdoch was in Gethsemane begging his deity, Moloch, ‘Lord, Lord, let this cup pass from me’, prior to solemnly, shruggingly, switching his media support to Labor. He might not do so, some experts thought, if Turnbull were installed immediately. But it would be a near-run thing. Akerman, Albrechtsen, Onselen, Henderson, Bolt and Blair did not appear in any of his morning papers, and were thought to be negotiating their exit packages while they still had time.

Alan Jones, a Liberal voter, was after nine years made to pay ten thousand dollars for vilifying Lebanese males on the radio. It was calculated by statisticians that he earned that much in two hours and seven minutes of broadcasting, and six months in Goulburn prison among tattooed bikies would have been a better penalty. Or, since his offence involved an incitement to terrorism on Cronulla Beach, twenty-five years.

Bits of QZ8501 began to be found, and floating bodies, within forty hours of the plane’s disappearance. This raised the question of why the fuck we were still looking for MH 370 in the same waters, and why not a life raft or a cocktail shaker had been sighted in eight months although a billion Australian dollars had been spent on the search. Why, indeed, no-one had yet asked the Americans did their gunners on Diego Garcia shoot it down and their soldiers ‘clean up’ the crash site, on land or water, and swear the Malaysians to silence. And who, indeed, was being paid in hundreds of millions to conduct the search in the wrong oceans, and if any of them were Australian. And, if not, who in Australia was getting a kick-back. What Minister of the Crown. David Johnston, perhaps. Or Julie Bishop.

Those hundreds of millions of Australian dollars, some commentators thought, could have been better spent on the living: Australian soldiers’ orphaned children, for instance, or better houses and home care for the disabled, or university fees for the disadvantaged. But Abbott’s Cult of the Dead, and the way he sought Australian corpses across the globe, and made a big fuss about ‘bringing them home’, was evidence in some eyes of his fanatical Papist insanity, and made him, in some expert views, ‘a suitable case for treatment’. But others merely thought him what is known in journalism and in law as a ‘fire chaser’, one who will predate on any human catastrophe for political, or monetary, gain.

Julie Bishop said it was not her fault Peter Greste was not released from his foul Egyptian prison cell on the first anniversary of his encarceration. By cheerily predicting this happy outcome, she had merely intended to ‘cheer his relatives up’, she said. She denied it was anything to do with her silent consent to the slaughter of four hundred Arab children in Gaza, just over the border, during the negotiations. That was ‘an entirely unrelated matter,’ she said.

Faced with the imminent horror of dinner at the Lodge and watching the fireworks with the Abbotts and talking with John Howard about Don Bradman over inferior curry, Mahendra Singh Dhoni , the Indian captain, resigned from world cricket. It was, he said, ‘a near run thing.’

And so it went.

The Three Worst Things The Liberals Did Yesterday (150)

Rupert Murdoch, a Liberal voter, showed signs of switching to Labor with his headline Coalition Dives But ALP’s Joy Limited, over poll figures showing Labor on 54 percent for much of last year and lately winning more votes, two party preferred, than any party, federally, since Labor in 1943. ‘Based on the preference flow at September 2013′, it said, when PUP and some Greens favoured the Liberals (a difference Labor’s way of 1.5 percent), it showed Abbott was the least liked Prime Minister in our history, with 35 percent satisfied with him, 55 percent dissatisfied, and 10 percent ‘uncommitted’.

Stefanie Balogh, a Liberal voter, spoke of ‘older, middleclass, Protestant, Australian-born voters…losing their jobs and taking it personally.’ Phillip Hudson, a Liberal voter, wrongly called Abbott the ‘second shortest serving Prime Minister after Joseph Cook.’ He was/is the fifth shortest serving Prime Minister after Forde, Page, McEwen and Cook, with the fifth, MacMahon, coming up fast behind him, as Billy was inclined to do.

Gerard Henderson, a Liberal voter, summarised the year without an attack on Bob Ellis for the first time in this millennium. Usually called by GH ‘the false prophet of Palm Beach’, Ellis this year, alone in the nation, got the SA election right, and less remarkably the Victorian, plus half the Oscars and the Booker Prize, an outcome Gerard sneered should be overturned.

He further chose to abuse Cate Blanchett for alleging she had had a ‘free education’. It was not a free education, he fumed, ‘taxpayers paid for it’; and even if in her ‘false, retrieved memory’ she herself had not paid for it, someone else had, and she was lying if she said she hadn’t paid for it, although in fact she hadn’t. It was explained to him in soothing tones by his hospice nurse that though Cate would pay in taxes for some part of her children’s education, and her parents had paid in taxes for some part of hers, to her it was free, it was a gift. ‘Bah humbug,’ he cried, as the needle went in, ‘unless all her teachers taught her for no wages it was not free!’

He further praised the coal industry ‘whose taxes fund the artistic community’, and cursed Richard Flanagan for saying coal made him ‘ashamed to be Australian’ because it was asphyxiating life on earth. Shame on him, yelped Gerard, as unconsciousness descended. His column failed to reveal his own rorting of the GST that year and the five hundred thousand dollars he paid himself and his wife for their part in a ‘charitable organisation’.

For the twelfth day Kate McClymont, a Liberal voter, failed to investigate the strange death of Katrina Dawson, and the Prime Minister’s part in prolonging the siege. ‘These questions are not in the public interest,’ she stoutly averred,’ compared with the far more disgusting actions of Craig Thomson and Bob Ellis, human fiends I was pleased to ruin with evidence lately, alas, proven false.’

Daniel Meers, a Liberal voter, said Abbott was ragged, exhausted, fucking up, and ‘running on empty’, and begged him get out of his sight and hearing till Australia Day. ‘This horse needs to win some races,’ he summed up, ‘otherwise it will be sent out to pasture permanently.’

It was thought Abbott had erred in making the cruel Scott Morrison Minister for Social Mercy and not sacking him when he declared ‘total war’ on the disabled. It was noted there were 800,000 who claimed to be disabled, and two and a half million who now and then looked after them, and this 3.2 million were 27 percent of the electorate, enough to make or break a government, and Morrison in three sentences had lost them all.

This left Abbott with perhaps four million votes out of thirteen million and bound for a more seismic loss of office than Whitlam’s in 1975. There seemed no way back from this apart from, say, securing Malcolm Fraser a Senate seat and awarding him S&M’s ministry. He was so sedated, however, by Credlin’s rubdowns and adjacent personal services that he did not think there was a problem.

There was, though, a big one. Jacqueline Maley illustrated the size of it, and the enormity of the female gender’s detestation of him, with a poll showing, say, that women favoured his policy on ‘border protection’ at 26 percent and men at 40 percent; on the economy at 16 percent and men at 29; and on ‘community and social services’ at 12 percent and men at 17. She did not note that 17 percent approval for social policies meant 83 percent of men disapproved of him in the area that touched them very closely.

At this rate, there would be no Liberal Party anywhere in Australia by 2017.

And so it went.

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Lying, Ean Higgins and Mark Coulton claimed in The Australian that Labor was well behind in the polls in New South Wales, on 44 percent to the Coalition’s 56, two party preferred. The most recent figures, from Ipsos, though, had Labor line-ball, on 49 percent (Carr won with 48 percent), even with Robbo as leader. It was likely therefore, some observers thought, that after the Baird cover-up of the chocolate cafe shoot-out and his farcical, scandalous loss of eleven MPs and his former President, $inodino$, to corruption findings at ICAC, and his Premier, O’Farrell, to willed oblivious forgetting of a vintage red, that this high poll score might, under Foley, go up to 51 and certain victory after Abbott’s many own-goals throughout the year (calling the Scots unfit for office, cuddling koalas with Putin, reappointing himself Minister for Women, a species plainly beyond his empathetic reach), the last of them his Christmas message beside his dumbstruck, gawping wife, a performance called by most observers ‘robotic’ and by some others ‘blithering folly’.

Storm winds gathered round Morrison’s threat to punish NDIS with immediate extinction if the Senate did not pass Hockey’s more loathesome Budget horrors instantly. This appeared in Murdoch’s most invisible thin column on the far right of page 2 of The Australian. Bucketing Labor’s response that NDIS was already paid for by an additional 0.5 percent on Medicare, S&M swore ‘the taxpayer, not Labor, are payng for Labor’s policies’, a peculiar argument, some thought, since in most Budgets in the last thousand years it was taxpayers who paid for everything. In this case, moreover, it would be eighteen dollars per week per taxpayer to make their disabled relatives more affirmed and comfortable and housed and looked after in their old age, outcomes few mind, when the alternative is to do the nursing oneself.

Morrison had lost half a million voters thus far in only five days, worried Liberal experts estimated, and was already being nicknamed ‘The Bah Humbug Factor’, pushing the Coalition, two party preferred, down to 39 percent.

The tenth anniversary of the Asian Tsunami occurred, and it was revealed that Australia had cut the moneys promised next year to Aceh, the most devastated area with the most fatalities which was, till then, the province most tyrannised by Indonesia. The name ‘Julie Bishop’ began to stink in the nostrils of the downcast nations, Aceh in particular, as never before. She did not like this, did not like it at all, and accelerated with venom and fervour her plan to overthrow Abbott, her oafish tormentor, and his tall despised dominatrix, Credlin, by Australia Day.

In a growing swither of irrational hope, she, Bishop, kept swearing on three Bibles that Greste would soon be free, a prospect as likely as Ariel Sharon bursting out of his sepulchre with two kalashnikovs blazing at kneeling pilgrims on Boxing Day. She had not calculated, for some fool reason — possibly that she is a fool — that a Christian country which has involved itself in three wars in five years on Muslim countries and said nothing against Israel’s periodic massacres of innocent Muslim children needs to offer, as a rule, more generous baksheesh to any Muslim country it therafter begs a big favour from than a few batted eyelids and an abashed, flirtatious cry like a Qantas commercial of ‘home for Christmas.’

An Iranian came off a hunger strike after he was promised, probably, he would not be sent home to be hanged, or to Nauru to serve eighty years. The details of this, the first climbdown by Dutton from his predecessor Morrison’s feverish cruelties, were not yet known.

For the tenth day nothing was said of what happened in the chocolate cafe, and who killed Katrina, and how many bullets were fired after Monis was dead. It was not known by what illegal threats the witnesses were being prevented from telling, or selling, their stories, and how scared Baird was the truth would get out.

And so it went.

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Daniel Meers, a Liberal voter, joined Morrison’s War on the Disabled.

800,000 Disabled, he fumed, charge ‘up to’ 800 dollars a fortnight, and this was ‘wrecking the economy’, and they should be ‘made to find a job’. He said 35 percent of the entire Budget was spent on ‘these people’ who, with their carers commanded 22 percent of the vote, and if they were deprived of their unearned wealth the other 78 percent, including all their cousins, would surely vote for Morrison, the ‘conquering brute’, and re-elect Abbott ‘in a landslide’. None of Murdoch’s regular fascists dared take this line and Dan, it seemed, was on the way up; in Rupert’s lifetime at least, which seemed on going to press very likely to last until mid-2015.

Robbo, the only unelectable Labor leader on the continent, was found to have interceded for the Monster of Martin Place in a family matter in 2011 and Right and Left swarmed round him plotting his extinguishment before New Year. This meant his successor Firth, Rees, Foley, Daley or Secord would beat ‘Bambi’ Baird for sure in March, adding seven more million Australians to Labor’s risorgimento after South Australia and Victoria succumbed this year and a little before Queensland in May or June.

Abbott’s office was in fratricide, its women fighting (none dare call it ‘catricide’), and Jane McMillan seemed bound to flounce out after a scalded Credlin accused her of leaking. The Minister For Women, Tony Abbott, enraged his entire constituency with another of his ‘barefoot and pregnant’ gaffes, and his daughters’ usual excuse, ‘Oh, that’s just Dad being Dad’ seemed not to be working that well any more.

The Minister For Defence, Kevin Andrews, proved uninterested in Defence. Asked if he would sack all of South Australia’s submarine builders, he said, ‘God, you’re boring. Peel me a grape.’ It was expected he would bring to his new job the same intellectual acuity he had used to accuse, hunt down, disgrace, bedevil and secretly torture Dr Mummad Haneef. ‘You win some, you lose some,’ he said listlessly, eating the grape.

Troy Buswell, a Liberal voter, was given a suspended sentence for crashing his car into three other cars outside his own house while Treasurer of WA and pissed. His successor, Mike Nahan, beseeched the heavens’ forgiveness for the biggest deficit this millennium in that State. This was 1.3 billion, though he had promised a surplus of 230,000 dollars.

Julian Burnside cursed Morrison for changing ‘irregular maritime arrivals’ to ‘illegal maritime arrivals’, a monstrous falsehood, and with the words ‘Border Protection’ implying they were a threat, ‘The reinvigorated use of of deceptive language,’ he wrote, ‘coupled with the trappings of military defence, was successful: an increasing number of people thought it was a good thing to “prevent dangerous criminals getting to Australia”. And if that was the fact, they were right. But it was all a lie: boat people are not criminals: they do not commit an offence by coming here the way they do; they are not a risk to us. So the bottom line is that we have been persuaded to spend about $5 billion a year mistreating innocent people.’

In the ‘bah humbug’ Christmas spirit the Liberals are famed for, it was decided a lot of special housing for the disadvantaged and the disabled would not now be built, and their disappointed lessees, deaf, crippled, and blind, would find these dread tidings out, pretty much, on Christmas Eve. A legal contract would be breached to achieve this and so save those few piffling millions that would now be lavished on knocked-up millionairesses, big polluters, Gina Rinehart and trainee pederasts in public schools. It was hoped that Morrison, playing Scrooge, would explain to a generation of Tiny Tims why they must so suffer before they died, as God intended, prematurely.

Robbo resigned, and Murdoch made sure that he did so out of synch, in a fine declaration of Labor principle that on Skynews was by technological adjustment ‘seen, but not heard’. It was certain now the Liberal Party, founded in 1944 by Menzies, was rushing after seventy years pell-mell towards its extinction.

Abbott bobbed up in Sydney, and in the vicinity of Katrina Dawson’s atheist funeral but not at it, since atheists go to hell, he spoke in favour of his adopted country, Australia, though he was not yet a citizen of it, and commended its ‘characteristic compassion and violence in the face of decency’. Then he corrected himself; and added as an afterthought that Muslim bogeymen were coming in great numbers and about to blow us up, and we should ‘go about our business as though I had not just said what I have said, about the imminent suburban Christmas apocalypse. Season’s greetings.’ Asked how he knew this calamity was coming, he said there had been ‘a heightened level of chatter’ among ‘known terrorists and terrorist sympathisers’ he was for some reason refusing to arrest.

He did not say who had killed Katrina, or why he had refused to save her when two of the female hostages begged him to.

And so it went.

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Joe Hockey said his Budget was ‘fair’ though it persecuted the old, starved the young, ended public schooling and enriched pregnant millionairesses, and added, ‘All right, if it wasn’t, it’ll be fair next time.’ His rating as the least popular Treasurer in world history he said was a ‘misfortune’ but he had ‘goodies’ which would intensify the ‘debt and deficit disaster’ next May. ‘We’ll have the biggest deficit in our history,’ he exulted, ‘and, look, debt works.’ He would never bring down a Surplus, of course, but the new Obama-Castro deal would keep him ‘well-stocked with Cuban cigars’.

For the sixth day Abbott made no contact with the chocolate cafe survivors, posed for photos with none of them, lest they upbraid him to his face for leaving them to die when he could have saved eight of them with a phone call to the monster, a flag, and a false news item. The police kept them as quiet as they could, though the police chief, Scipione, revealed his daughter came within minutes of being one of them, and was said to be getting snakier by the minute, especially with Brandis, who had dropped the monster off his list after getting six hundred million dollars to be more vigilant with Muslim lunatics.

All over the nation, it seemed people thought the Lucky Country had run out of luck and it was the Liberal Party’s fault. Joe’s ruin of the auto industry was part of it, and Abbott’s war on the CSIRO, and the half billion dollars he was paying for the insertion of religious pederasts into public schools. It was believed the Liberals were like aliens, or gremlins, or Ebola germs, and, though they had adherents, they didn’t have friends any more. At least three hundred North Shore people would still vote Liberal, it was thought, but none of them would want Abbott, Hockey, Brandis, Cormann, Andrews, Abetz, Bernardi or Bronwyn Bishop coming to dinner.

None of Murdoch’s regular whingeing bullies appeared in The Sunday Telegraph (except Akerman, a close friend, bagging Gillard), though eight pages of messages on the flowers of Martin Place filled up the deficit, and it was feared the Dark God Moloch was realigning himself with Shorten. Troy Bramston, a Labor voter and a Liberal propagandist, said on Agenda Shorten was ‘in big trouble’ because more Australians disapproved of him than approved him, though his party was two million votes ahead of Abbott’s and had been all year; and he seemed unsettled by the change of emphasis in PVO (the Choirboy) and the Faustian scumbag Paul Kelly after his constant betrayal of Labor on Skynews all last year.

A minute-by-minute account of Monis’s last quarter hour shows nine minutes between the monster firing his first ‘warning shot’ at some escaping hostages and being easily snipeable for two minutes in the window. He then kills Johnson and is snipeable for two more minutes. The fool cops, though, prefer to storm in and, after killing him, fire six to seven hundred bullets at God knows who. It seems unlikely Monis fired at Dawson, not them, and it was they who wounded, most likely, with their insane targetless firefight the blameless mother of three or provoked, perhaps, with multiple stun grenades her infarct. No interviews with the survivors were effected by Kate McClymont or Ray Martin or anybody . A cover-up the size of Watergate was now, it seemed, in progress. It has not been explained why Muslim negotiators were stopped from approaching the cafe by police. It was likely, some said, that Brandis had bellowed at Baird or Scipione that the last thing a bigoted nation now needed was Muslim heroes in a death-cult terrorist siege that might end ‘without a fatality’.

The Prime Minister’s Office neither confirmed nor denied that Abbott would go to hell after promising a dying man he would allow a conscience vote on assisted suicide, a mortal sin as bad as buggery. It was assumed his Confessor, Pell, was yelling at him on Skype in the early hours of Sunday morning and beseeching his repentance and recantation. He would announce his cockamamie new Ministry, it was said, one retaining Hockey, Johnston, Morrison, Brandis, Abetz and Andrews, because he did not have the numbers to remove even one of them any more, so detested was he by his caucus, on Sunday afternoon.

Baird announced he would buy marihuana from American drug lords and ease into death any voters who might ask for it. He did not say who would pay for this illegal hoard, or wwho he would license to roll it into cigarettes and sell from a kiosk outside St Vincent’s Hospital ‘The name $inodino$ comes to mind,’ the Muddleheaded Bambi is said to have said, ‘and a committee will looking into this possibility.’

A copper refusing to say who the murderess and her seven dead children were — a tactic never before used in world history — overwhelmed the announcement of Abbott’s new ragtag-and-bobtail Ministry.

This, however, soon occurred. Hockey was kept, Johnston sacked, Morrison removed from the Ministry For Tormenting Infant Children before charges were laid against him, and put in charge of tormenting teenagers and forcing them into prostitution, a job he will doubtless, as a proven sadist, hourly relish. Dutton, a softie, was likely to release those babies S&M had sentenced to a hundred years on the birdshit-riddled hellhole Nauru. ‘Science’ reappeared as a subsidiary to ‘Industry’ now there was no industry left, despite MacFarlane’s attempts to keep it, and Sussan Ley, apparently a woman, given Health, a ministry that would not be after 2017 funded any more.

Across the nation, five hundred thousand disabled people and their two million carers and family members imagined Morrison at the door, and flinched.

In a wonderful phrase, Wong called Morrison’s reign ‘short, nasty, and secretive’.

And so it went.

The Twenty-Three Worst Things The Liberals Did Yesterday (144)

Eight children were killed by a troubled woman in Cairns. This equalled in number the abortions procured by despairing women on Christmas Island after Morrison threatened their unborn with life imprisonment on Nauru. Morrison now threatened other unborn with equivalent punishment for the crime, he said, ‘of being born in 2015 and not, as I will tolerate, 2014. My patience is not limitless.’

No interviews with the surviving Lindt hostages were allowed, or attempted. It was known that some of them would upbraid Abbott for failing to save, when he might have, five of their lives, at no risk to his own. Baird professed feelings of ‘guilt’ because the monster had got out on bail.

It was known, but not admitted, who killed Katrina Dawson, and why nine minutes passed between the first discharge of the monster’s weapon, and the second. It was not known why it took fifty or sixty rounds to kill him, and who else they wounded also. It was not known why nearby siege-trained army sharpshooters were not invited in, nor why no sniper shot the monster in the nine minutes after the first discharge of his weapon, or the fifteen hours before that.

$inodino$ walked the plank, and spoke of the ‘freedom of speech’ his demotion to the back bench now afforded him. Many New South Wales Liberals quaked at this, fearing he might elaborate on his connection with Obeid, and the ten million he did not get for not, successfully, bribing O’Farrell (if that was the case) into giving a five hundred million dollar contract to his sewage-moving company.

Gillard asked those who had called her a criminal to apologise to her. Abetz would not; he maintained his amazing story that ‘certain union-connected people’ who sought to overthrow the state could not be named lest they kill him. He would not say what crimes those ‘union-connected people’ could be arrested for, or whether Victoria, a Labor state, would soon begin to investigate, if ever, these ugly, muscly, simian people. It seemed many millions had been wasted, and more would be in the coming year, on what Sabra Lane called ‘a beat up’.

Gerard Henderson, a Liberal propagandist, called the addled Shi-ite cleric a ‘Sunni terrorist’, cursed Waleed Ali, a Muslim, for misreporting the Boston Marathon massacre, and blamed David Marr, among other ‘leftists’, for encouraging Monis into ‘an act of unseemly atrocity’. Gerard was amazed to find his payment by Murdoch was down to a hundred dollars a week.

Murdoch came to town, and, in the manner of the movie ‘I Was Monty’s Double’, thwarted pursuing papparazzi by speeding a withered lookalike round Sydney in his limousine. His minions, cringeing, wondered if he was about to sack everyone and throw his media behind Bill Shorten, the ‘coming man’ whose party, Labor, was now 1.5 million votes ahead of the current crazed unravelling backs-to-the-wall regime and bid Tony Abbott a lousy final Christmas in the Lodge. ‘The Lucky Country has run out of luck,’ he is said to have said, ‘and the wackhead Tony Abbott is its bumblefooted Grim Reaper.’ Or words to that effect.

Obama recognised Cuba, and Murdoch’s columnists said not a word about it. It was noted that Fidel Castro had outlasted Eisenhower, Kennedy, Johnson, Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, Bush 1, Clinton and Bush 2, despite six hundred plots to assassinate him, five hundred by the CIA, and thirty-three attempts, one with an exploding cigar, and was well thought of throughout South America, Europe, the Middle East, China, India, Russia and Africa, not least because of his doctors presently containing ebola there, and a health care system Obama might now extend to the USA. Shanahan, Pryce-Jones, Albrechtsen, Henderson, Hildebrand, Van Onselen, Day and Devine made no mention of this enormous world-altering event in their opinionated columns. Their menacing Moloch, Murdoch, had not yet told them what to say.

John Hewson, a former Liberal voter, said Abbott might now abolish the Education Ministry, and dropkick all schooling to the States, whose money for schools and universities he had cut by thirty billion, reneging thus on his commitment to Gonski, on which he had said that he and Shorten were on a ‘unity ticket’. This would follow his abolition of the Science Ministry, and his risible promise that ‘this will be a government of no surprises’. It was feared he would leave Hockey and Johnston where they were, and merely move Josh into $inodino$’s cavity, and a woman into Josh’s. There was ‘no chance’, backroomers assured the giobsmacked media, that $inodino$ would pay back the hundreds of thousands he did not earn while serving, or rather not serving, as an AWOL Assistant Treasurer. ‘Who do you think I am, Santa Claus?’ the merry acquisitive Greek is said to have said.

Abbott risked helfire by permitting, heretically, a conscience votte on euthanasia. ‘He will burn in hell,’ theologians said, ‘alongside Tory Johnson, a homosexual.’

Julie Bishop assured the deaths of thousands of Third World women by agreeing to Hockey’s crazy cuts to Foreign Aid. A billion continued to be spent on looking in three oceans for purposeless bits of MH 370.

Jetstar’s computer broke down, stranding thousands of ropeable Australians five days before Christmas. The responsible capitalist, Alan Joyce, a Liberal voter, earned twenty-one thousand dollars in the hours it took to sort it out. ‘It’s money Oi’ve orrned,’ he said. ‘Murry Chrastmas. Re-joyce.’

And so it went.

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Abbott, accused of blockheaded incompetence by Hadley, who gave him, to his face, a D-minus rating, scrambled for a distraction. He ordered a terrorist-seeking raid with guns blazing on four Sydney suburbs, and couldn’t find any. He announced a reshuffle, but couldn’t bear to do the obvious, swap Joe and Malcolm, discard Sinodinos, put Frydenberg in his place and some numerate woman in Frydenberg’s and, oh yes, terminate Johnston with extreme prejudice and replace him with Bronwyn Bishop; he wanted a quiet life. But the Furies were coming after him, not least in the form of the hostages he refused to save when he could, who would now, soon, be speaking up about it on, probably, Sixty Minutes.

Joe said he wouldn’t put up the GST to 15 percent, though every other nation had, and thus obliterate the deficit, and Abbott thought of murdering him. Baird kept appearing with a daft shiny face at the sea of flowers in Martin Place proclaiming Sydney’s redemption like the fundamentalist demagogue he used to be. Leigh Sales, a Liberal voter, treated him with adoring civility.

David Leyonhjelm, a former Liberal voter, said if the hostages had been armed to the teeth, they would have shot the terrorist and each other and that would have sorted it. Jacqui Lambie, a former army person, called him a ‘fucking idiot’.

The ACT was to spend a billion dollars extracting asbestos from roofs a Liberal Prime Minister, Gorton, refused to inoculate against this poison when he was begged to. No more than half a million Australians would die coughing blood because of his omission and it was thought that Abbott, perhaps, should apologise for it and offer the bereaved and dying buckets of money.

Ricky Muir ‘saved’ thirty-one babies from exile and condemned thirty-four more to a hundred years on Nauru, described by a UN committee as ‘hell with birdshit’, after cutting a deal with the ever more edgy Scott Morrison. S&M, hearing further boat people were being attracted by this happy redeeming destination to get on more and more boats, bellowed, ‘This agreement is a one-off and does not give you a ticket to Australia.’ The laughter of refugees, government officials and resuscitated smugglers echoed round Indonesia.

The Daily Telegraph, an organ of Liberal propaganda, charged Abbott with ’10 Fatal Failures’ in a two-page spread and called, in effect, for the sacking of Brandis and Hazzard. Monis’s extended bail when on a charge of murdering his wife; his absence from a watch list he had once been on; his prosperous lifestyle on welfare for eighteen years; his criminal record as a fraudster in Iran; his sexual tampering with forty female ‘disciples’; and his letters of congratulation to the Bali bombers and of cruel mockery to some Diggers’ widows: these were among the things that no more than six Liberal governments, state and federal, should have picked him up for, it was alleged. Matthew Benns and Ashlee Mullany also asked why the cops had waited nine minutes after Monis fired his first warning shot before coming in, guns blazing, and shooting, apparently, six hostages themselves.

Abetz proclaimed that though killing people was against the law he would suppress one third of his Crooked Unionists Report lest some thick-shouldered baddies who were named in it kill witnesses and seek to overthrow the state. Asked who these ugly murderous traitors were he said it would be ‘inconvenient’ for him to name names as he, too, might be killed for doing so, and ‘this government’s track record in hunting down homicidal criminals is among the worst, as you know, in world history. Ten of the killers of Reza Berati, for instance, are still at large.’ Asked what, in that case, would happen now, he said, ‘We’ll have to keep that quiet.’

Campbell Newman ordered the arrest and framing of Barry Crook, an associate of Clive Palmer, for kidnap, menace, blackmail and required untruths on oath. ‘Clive Palmer knew nothing about this,’ police said, ‘and it has nothing to with his Senate investigation of the criminality of two hundred associates of Campbell Newman,’ whilst elderly Brisbane reporters held their sides laughing helplessly.

$inodino$, having not earned a hundred and fifty thousand dollars in ministerial pay by ‘standing aside’ from his Ministry and not resigning it, resigned it with simmering regret at last and opened up, again, the question of the multifarious corruptions of the NSW Liberal Party, to which he, when President, donated a lot of money from a sewerage company he coincidentally headed, in return for ten million dollars, thus far unpaid. It seemed less and likely that the Liberals of ‘Bambi’ Baird would hold any more than a few North Shore seats in March after his bizarre ‘flower child’ song-and-dance in Martin Place, and the party might then plummet into extinction, like the Gadarene swine.

And it seemed more and more probable that Abbott, Credlin and Loughnane, fearing a Bishop or Turnbull putsch, were in a panic planning a putsch of their own and striving, the way one does, to exterminate Hockey after his vile remarks on Thursday and head off Turnbull by making him Treasurer.

And…the Cut&Paste column in The Australian, an organ of Liberal propaganda, quoted Bob Ellis four times and said his questions on missing camera footage from the Lindt Cafe shoot-out (shown once on Russian television and never again), and what sort of shotgun Monis had, clearly showed his pananoid dementia though ten million Australians had lately asked those selfsame questions. It then quoted a Townsville Murdoch hack, Ross Eastgate, asking, ‘What is Bob Ellis doing on the streets? Should he not be sectioned and placed in a secure institution for the protection both of himself and society? Discuss.’

‘Clear libel,’ Ellis growled, cheerfully. ‘Three hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Pray God there is more.’

And so it went.

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Murdoch took Richo off air and gave the wall-eyed thicko Paul Murray an extra hour. He called Craig Thomson a ‘grub’ who stole millions from toilet-cleaners to pay for sumptuous orgies but made no criticism of Baird or Abbott for letting Man Monis, wife-murderer, rapist and persecutor of war widows, roam free.

For the sixty-seventh hour no surviving witness was allowed to say what happened in the cafe. It was wondered by what authority they were thus prohibited from speaking freely. Since eleven of them escaped under their own steam, it was hard to see how police or government could forbid them to do anything. The parents of one suggested the gunman did not go to sleep at all. Information was coming out third-hand. Even Sixty Minutes was persuaded to ‘back off’.

Hockey called Brandis an idiot; with all that extra money, he couldn’t keep a known crazed murderer on a watch-list. Brandis, up against it, begged Uhlmann to spare him, pleading ignorance of everything. Baird wallowed in a sea of flowers, saying his ‘heart beat louder, and prouder’, and looked like a blithering idiot.

It was still not known if the culprit’s sawn-off shotgun was an automatic. It was still not known who killed Katrina. It was widely believed Abbott could have saved her if he had taken the phone call, though some of the men might have been endangered. If he had taken the phone call, it was agreed, she would have been home alive with her children on Monday afternoon.

Ray Hadley, a Liberal voter, told Abbott to his face he gave him ‘a D-minus rating’. A poll showed 51 percent of the people did not think Abbott would fight the next election as leader.

Some commentators wondered if Morrison’s vetting of ‘refugees’ was as bad as Brandis’s. Monis, a ‘refugee’, had been here for eighteen years — though Iran wanted him back, to face fraud charges — and a citizen for twelve. He lived for years on Social Security and set up, for a while, his own sexually abusive religion, threatened his first wife and then burnt her to death, and was therefore thought to be on an ASIO retainer. This crucial question would not be asked, of course, lest the extra six hundred million Hockey gave them to flush out baddies ‘come into question’.

Hockey was in one of his ‘sheesh’ moods, unsure if his stomach-staple was worth it, or if he would keep his own seat, North $ydney. It had, in times past, been an Independent stronghold for decades; and it seemed now the Liberal Party (‘the adults are in charge’) had no more future than the Democrats did when their leader was filmed groping two women at a Christmas party. The Morgan score on Monday, before the ‘incident’, was Coalition 42.5, Labor 57.5, and it would be, now, 40-60, surely, and sinking fast through Christmas. It was likely, though not certain, the Liberal Party would vanish from history by Anzac Day 2016.

A great, spontaneous, supportive friendship sprang up in the sea of flowers between Muslims, Christians, Buddhists and other, less religious Australians. To thwart this, Brandis ordered a dozen armed raids on Muslims in four Sydney suburbs, lest, as he said, ‘Goodwill break out, and bigotry — my creed — be mitigated, alas, in this, the Christmas season.’

Morrison declared thirty-one ‘unauthorised vaginal arrivals’ could stay in Australia, and so could their parents, on TPVs, he promised, for the next hundred years of nervous ill-paid underemployment. This wonderfully improved the people smugglers’ ‘business model’, and a dozen more leaky boats prepared to leave Indonesia immediately.

It was wondered how good at detecting such vessels Morrison was. His predecessors had mistaken, for sixteen years, the violent crazy criminal Man Monis for a genuine refugee. How many more such mistakes had been made? How many genuine refugees had been sent home to be killed? How many boats, indeed, had got through?

It was revealed, or hinted, that Tory Johnson had been shot and killed by Man Monis, and Katrina Dawson had died ‘by other causes’, and we would know this on Friday. ‘Other causes’ meant, for sure, a volley of some sort from the NSW police, or a ricochet.

And so it went.

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Under cover of the chocolate shop siege, Joe Hockey revealed he would not go after big multinationals for their dodged back taxes, thus costing the Budget eight or nine billion dollars. Abbott refused to meet, or pose with, any of the siege survivors lest they accuse him, on camera, of causing two deaths by refusing to talk with Man Monis on radio. The OECD said Hockey’s Budget was ‘useless’, cursing, especially, Pyne’s high uni fees. Andrews ‘doubted’ if the Billionairesses’ Baby Bonus, revamped, would be ready by July. He thought it might have a ‘childcare component’ but he wasn’t sure. ‘It’s difficult for a lot of families,’ he said, amazing the nation.

Treasury said unemployment would jump to a ‘twelve-year high.’ Half the forty billion dollar deficit, it went on, was caused by there being too many jobless, and a quarter of a million workers expecting to lose their jobs after Joe bade the auto industry ‘piss off out of here, you whingeing bludgers’ a year ago, and was surprised when they did. Joe Hockey bade Australians go out and spend big this Christmas, and they were now too frightened, a survey said, to do so. It would be, soon, the ‘mingiest Christmas in many years’.

The esteemed Christ-eating beauty, Miranda Devine, a Liberal voter, cursed Wendy Bacon for remarking how nice a car-free inner city was yesterday, a ‘despicable slander,’ she foamed. Mark Kenny, the small but perfectly-formed erstwhile Abbott bromance, cursed Abbott for not flying the SAS from Perth to ‘take Monis out’ with ‘sniper fire’ and called the final fire-fight ‘a panicked, adrenalin-fuelled frenzy of flashing stun grenades and police all shooting at once through an open door’; at, apparently, Katrina Dawson.

None of the hostages were interviewed on Sunrise, or Agenda, or AM. It seemed they were being suppressed, lest they, too, curse Abbott for not saving five of them, one of whom would have been Katrina, by debating Man Monis on air, and showing, perhaps, his ignorance of Afghanistan. ‘It is better some Australians die,’ it is said that Loughnane and Credlin advised him, ‘than that you be exposed, in this way, as a foreign policy drongo.’

Alan Jones began to bag Baird and Abbott for letting a rapist-murderer and persecutor-of-war-widows out on bail, and the craven Murdochist in charge of the visuals cut away to glorious vast oceans of beautiful flowers in Martin Place, diverting our concentration. Baird, looking more and more like Porky Pig, said he had ‘no idea’ why Monis was out on bail, but ‘a new day was coming’ on January 31st when the rules would be changed. He seemed unfit for any office above Deputy Headmaster of Warialda Primary and experts, amazed, thought even Robbo could beat him by ten to twenty seats on March 24.

Rumours began that Paul Smith, Katrina’s husband, and a lawyer like her, would sue Baird or Hazzard or Scipione for unlawfully killing his wife. Reports in The Guardian suggested Monis had a female accomplice who did the filming for him and later got away.

John O’Brien, an octogenarian, and the first to escape the chocolate shop, said the police wouldn’t let him say what happened in there. He was unable to explain why any of it was a secret.

Craig Thomson was found guilty of misspending five thousand dollars, half what Abbott misspent on his book tour, and fined twenty-five thousand dollars. Unemployed, he now owed four hundred thousand in court costs, and could recoup this by suing Abbott, Pyne, Oakes, Albrechtsen, Akerman, Devine, Bronwyn Bishop, and twenty or thirty Liberal MPs for three hundred and fifty thousand dollars each.

A hunger striker neared death in Darwin after fifty days. An Iranian unable to go back there, or settle anywhere else, he had been sentenced by Morrison to seventy- or seventy-five years on Nauru. He would be Morrison’s ninth corpse if you counted aborted babies, and Morrison was looking forward, he said, to ‘double figures’.

In a press conference, Abbott revealed Man Monis had a gun license, and had for twenty years been living on Social Security here, though the FBI were after him, and the Iranians wanted him extradicted and we saved him from this. He did not deny that Katrina had been shot and killed not by Monis but an enflamed, fuck-headed Sydney copper, and it appeared that this was the case. It was then revealed on Skynews that he didn’t have a license after all and Abbott, as always, didn’t have a fucking clue.

And so it went.

The Three Worst Things The Liberals Did Yesterday (128)

Paul Sheehan, a Liberal voter, spoke of the ‘cold loathing’ Hockey’s fool Budget had stirred in his colleagues, and how the government’s ‘retreat from Moscow’ must begin soon, with the quenching of the co-payment and its pendant ‘research fund’, a twenty billion dollar expenditure on foreign climate change deniers. Andrew Bolt, a Liberal propagandist, cursed Clive Palmer for saying all Murdoch’s papers were ‘controlled by Rupert Murdoch’, who gave them, Clive said, ‘instructions by Skype.’ This was ‘just freaky’, said Bolt, an ‘unhinged conspiracy theory’. Laura Tingle, an objective commentator, said the government was ‘all blustered out’, and should give up all talk of surplus, and merely ‘stop the deficit (already the worst in our history) blowing out too much.’

Julie Bishop ‘went bananas’ after finding Andrew Robb was to ‘chaperone’ her in New York, and make sure that while there she obediently served Abbott’s high Christly purpose of ending the world this century. She felt that, though a woman, she could herself decide what our foreign policy should be, and Abbott, chuckling, said, ‘Sure you can, doll, sure you can’; in another part of the steam-room another woman, Credlin, laughed out loud. Julie Bishop then said she had ‘not gone bananas’, but merely, robustly, discussed the ways her leader might go fuck himself.

Pyne introduced a new higher education bill that funds priests’ training, breaches the separation of church and state, and with money taken away from secular students encourages pederasty ‘of the sort one saw in Devil’s Playgound, the miniseries, my inspiration’. Bob Day, of the DLP, and Tony Abbott, formerly of the DLP, acclaimed this new expensive way of corrupting the young. ‘It takes me back,’ said Abbott, ‘to page 68 of my official biography, where seduction, and worse, of younger students shook my faith for a time, until I realised that’s what taxpayers’ funds are for, not public transport, which is an abomination.’

Abbott, looking calm, focussed and pleasantly mad, told the girlish, smiling Leigh Sales ‘we cannot pass on our debts to our children, but we can give them a huge HECS debt eight times as great as we ever had, which will dog them for forty years. This is not our debt, which is twenty thousand dollars per man, woman and child, or will be in ten years’ time, it is their debt, which is, after interest, two hundred and twenty thousand dollars, and seven hundred times the amount that Christopher paid for his degree.’

Morrison got his TPV legislation through the Senate. This meant a child now ten who, since the age of eight and a half, had been in grimy, sorrowing, harassed, undereducated internment on Christmas Island, could now live with his parents in a Queensland town, and in three years’ time, at the age of thirteen, might be sent back into misery and beggary in Sri Lanka for eighty years or be killed there by street violence while still in his teens, after Morrison, of all people, decided it was ‘safe to do so’; or to seek work, perhaps, as a child whore, along lines of local popular practice much praised in former times by Donald Friend, or tortured to death in prison like his uncle. This new legislation was hailed by Michaelia Cash as being ‘so horrible a punishment that no boat person will ever come here again’, in a baffling piece of logic that gave certain modern philosophers cause to think a straitjacket might be needed to assist her, urgently, out of public life.

Daniel Andrews appointed nine female Ministers, the greatest number in world history, in contrast with Abbott’s one, the smallest number on the planet in this century. Abbott purposed not to give him any money at all for public transport, which he called in his book ‘an abomination’.

David Johnston was caught drinking one hundred and twenty-dollar bottles of wine at taxpayers’ expense while cutting soldiers’ pay and forbidding them Christmas leave.

And so concluded another day in the life of the worst free-elected government in world history since democracy’s first foundation in Iceland in AD 924.

The Three Worst Things The Liberals Did Yesterday (125)

Experts reckoned we would soon be in a deficit five billion dollars worse than Swan’s, and not back in surplus for fifteen or twenty years. The price of iron plummeted, and Hockey put his fat face in his fat hands. Abbott in a phone call said Andrews couldn’t have three billion for his infrastructure, it had to be Napthine’s infrastructure, the East-West or nothing. Napthine had quit, and it seemed his partners, the Nationals, might not be the Liberals’ partners any more, might even lose party status, and the staff and wages that come with it.

Abbott in a press conference acclaimed his own ‘solid year in government’ and spoke wistfully of ‘Plan B’, a much needed commodity now the co-payment, the soldiers’ reduced wages, the two hundred thousand dollar uni degrees and the Billionairesses’ Baby Bonus looked doomed in the Senate, or ‘Lambie-land’ as it was lately known.

Julie Bishop, lying, said the Coalition was ‘way ahead in New South Wales’, though Ipsos last week showed Labor, on 49, winning narrowly in that state, with a swing of 12 percent. Barnaby Joyce, beetroot-faced and plainly near infarct, talked of ‘the financial calamity we were left with’ an hour after Clive Palmer, in the Press Club, noted that Australia’s debt was the third lowest in the OECD and, at a mere 27 billion when Labor left office, less than 2.5 percent of its annual tax takings.

Asked by Burke if he was seriously asking Andrews to break an election promise on the Monday after an election, Abbott said, ‘Well, Bill Shorten said he should’, and the mortified faces behind him, gobsmacked by this lie, showed his time in high office was limited. Asked by Shorten if he would give back the money he was thieving from our soldiers, Abbott said they would die more gladly for a country in surplus. He added there was no money to pay any more than he was allotting to these heroes, but a billion and a half to spend looking in three oceans for skerricks of MH 370.

Pregnant women Morrison was hurrying off to give midsummer birth in hot, insanitary, grimy, violent Nauru would not get off the bus and onto the plane in Darwin, preferring to give birth somewhere healthier, and, flanked by their lawyers, charged Morrison with pointlessly endangering their unborn. But that was the point, Morrison’s people said, the tipping point, the crucial difference, that babies born in Darwin not Nauru might be legally Australian, and Morrison’s description of them as ‘unauthorised vaginal arrivals’ might not stand up in court. So they had to be born somewhere else. No mention of this occurred in any newspaper, but the ABC ran Hanson-Young’s press conference, and her moving defence of these innocent, suffering young women.

PVO with a straight face claimed Abbott ‘won’ this afternoon’s Question Time, which many rated his most humiliating experience since the day it was revealed his long-yearned-for bastard son was the progeny not of himself but his cuckolder, and gave Abbott a ‘silver medal’ and Shorten a ‘wooden spoon’. This confirmed what some suspected, that Murdoch had lately lost all connection with reality, and was hounding his mind-slaves, in the manner of a cult leader, into a Kool Aid-style mass intellectual suicide before he sacked the lot of them and his Board sacked him.

Lenore Taylor, an objective commentator, said Abbott had ‘snookered himself… Every way he turns, there is a barrier he placed there himself.’

A Morgan Poll showed Labor ahead in every state: 62.5 percent in Tasmania, 59.5 in South Australia, 56 in Victoria, 52 in WA, 51.5 in NSW and 50.5 in Queensland.

And so it went.

The Three Worst Things The Liberals Did Yesterday (120)

Noting that fifteen governments had fallen, thus far, because they had privatised things, Baird proposed to privatise the poles and wires, put up electricity prices and add more buses, not trains, to the Western Suburbs, thus increasing traffic snarls. He was acclaimed by the smh for his wisdom, though an Ipsos poll showed him losing, narrowly, to Robbo, Labor’s least attractive leader since Arthur Calwell, because of the Liberal vote ‘locked up’ in the North Shore, who with a close-run 49 percent would get over the line.

Pyne stared down the loss of his seat because of Scott’s excision of the Adelaide studios from the ABC; because, it was thought, he, Scott, was from Hillsong, and for that religious cause loathed Pyne, the shrieking Papist drama queen. Several National MPs cursed Scott for erasing some country services. None asked that a levy of five dollars per taxpayer per year be imposed to save all threatened services, as this was a ‘cappuccino too far’.

Abbott kept denying ‘No cuts to the ABC or SBS’ meant what it said, believing, perhaps, in the power of prayer. The noise around him in the House reminded some observers of a bear-baiting in the Middle Ages. Corporate money swarmed towards Labor in Victoria.

The notion that ‘bad policies lose votes’, first propounded by Bob Ellis on the night Jeff Kennett lost in 1999, was not yet clear to many Liberals. They thought that starving the old, the young, the soldiers’ orphans, the Indigenous, and the ABC, an institution as well-beloved as Mother Church in Ireland in the 19th century, would be, for some reason, popular with voters. They thought Joe Hockey’s cigar and Abbott’s koala-hug alongside Putin the prominent mass-murderer were images that posed no political difficulty.

They imagined that 1.3 million voters they had lost would soon come back to them, eagerly and fondly. They did not understand John Howard lost on the numbers in 1998, and it took 9/11 and a World War to sustain him narrowly in 2001, and Mark Latham’s demented pugnacity in 2004. They did not understand there are no ‘rusted-on’ Liberal voters any more, apart from the Menzies Reds-under-the-bed generation, two of whom died while you were reading this, and 68 percent of the under-25s are voting, or preferring Labor.

Noel Pearson, a Liberal voter, acclaimed Rupert Murdoch for having helped Aboriginal causes and cursed the ABC, despite Away and Redfern Now and Black Humour and three hundred Four Corners and Australian Stories, for having neglected, or under-explored, those causes. A number of white girls then sang fragments of his Whitlam speech, albeit not mentioning Whitlam’s name, while he beamed avuncularly and misted up a bit. Though Murdoch, his employer, had brought down Whitlam, his hero, and indeed spent billions trying to bring down America’s Whitlam, Obama, he did not see the contradiction.

Freya Newman did not go to gaol for having revealed a scholarship corruptly given to Abbott’s daughter. Craig Thomson would go to gaol, the judge said, if he could not prove his sentence for misusing 26,000 dollars, less than Abbott had in the same years, wrong in law. Abbott said wife-beating was ‘wrong’, though he did not say how it was that fifty-two women were killed by wife-beaters each year and by terrorists, not one. He spent half a billlion dollars looking for terrorists durng the G20, found not one, nor even the suspicion of one, and removed that amount from the ABC, and spent a similar amount looking for skerricks of MH 370 in three oceans. Turnbull said it was good he, Abbott, had admitted he was a liar in Question Time and he, Turnbull, seemed ready to take over, within a week, the top job if need be.

And so it went..

The Three Worst Things The Liberals Did Yesterday (119)

Murdoch’s poll Galaxy showed 67 percent wanted ‘a fresh election’ to ‘get a workable Senate’. This was a criticism of PUP, Galaxy said. The ‘fresh election’ option, however, could also be read as people wanting Abbott gone, which all polls — and most showed him trailing Shorten, a result unprecedented in world history — lately indicated. The voters were ‘tired of the soap opera’, Galaxy declared. You bet you am.

The handsome Dutchman Andrew Bolt, a Liberal voter, became confused when alleging that Margaret Thatcher, once an ‘alarmist’ on global warming, later changed her mind; and those Tories — Gummer, Deben, Yeo — who had lately called Abbott an ‘eccentric, baffling flat-earther’ were mere left-over midgets from her era and not worth listening to. ‘The earth’s atmosphere hasn’t warmed for 16 years,’ he declaimed, in the hottest Queensland November in eighteen thousand years, and the science, though all but unanimous across the globe, was ‘very uncertain indeed’.

He said ‘Malvolio’ Hartcher was wrong to speak of ‘a towering international indignation’ at Abbott’s eccentric belief that Christ, not global warming, would ‘burn up the earth in the latter day’, and charged that the ‘adolescent country’ gibe in the LA Times was by ‘a former Fairfax colleague of Hartcher’s from Melbourne’ — a fact which outweighed, of course, of course, the opinion of four billion Chinese, Americans, Indians and Europeans, and rendered the whole lot of them ‘foolish and misguided’. That’s telling ‘em, Andrew.

He also branded as ‘Lefties and luvvies…of the Socialist Alliance’ those speakers — Ludlam, Dempster, Plibersek — who defended the ABC at the Sydney demonstration. These, however, were three of ten people most favoured to be Prime Minister, each outscoring Tony Abbott — as Palmer did, and the Malcolms Turnbull and Fraser, Bill Shorten and Bob Carr — speaking up for an institution most voters, and most Liberal voters, wanted unchanged; wanted, indeed, more money for. ‘Lefties and luvvies’ he called them. That’s telling ‘em, Andrew.

An Ipsos Poll showed selling the poles and wires was opposed by 64 percent and Baird, who wanted to do this, favoured by 57 percent and his party by 54 percent. The poll, however, was taken in part on Saturday, when many landline respondents were at the ABC demonstration, and showed Labor, which wins in NSW with 48 percent, within two points of seizing power. It was also taken, in part, on Thursday and Friday, when Obeid and McDonald were charged with corruption, and ten Liberals not yet had been.

This result, though, was achieved by allocating preferences as they did in 2011. When asked what their actual preferences were, this year, Labor got 49 percent, and won outright by four seats.

Mark Scott, a Liberal voter, decimated the ABC (‘decimate’ means ‘kill one soldier in ten’) instead of asking from each taxpayer five dollars to keep it going the way it was. Among those liquidated was Quentin Dempster, destroyer of Bjelke-Petersen and fearless foe of corruption in any jurisdiction. The ABC Adelaide production house, one arm of Don Dunstan’s dream, was mulched, thus ensuring Pyne would lose his seat, and some Victorian facilities, thus ensuring Napthine would be immolated on Saturday.

Question Time occurred. In a ferocious attack, Bill Shorten accused Abbott of lying about cuts to the ABC and Abbott said they were not cuts they were ‘efficiency measures’. Jason Clare, quoting Charles Laughton, asked him, ‘Were you lying then, are you lying now, or are you just a chronic and habitual LIAR?’

Gina Rinehart, a Liberal voter, cursed her children for wanting some of her five hundred hundred billion dollars. She had ‘worked hard’, she said to earn her fifty thousand dollars an hour, and they had not. Few photos exist of her working underground with a pick, and it is widely thought the she lives luxuriously drinking cocktails by the swmming pool and there accepting, occasionally, a million dollar cheque from her grateful shareholders.

Andrew Robb insulted Obama also. It is to be wondered if America would send in troops now to assist us against, say, an Indonesian invasion.

And so it went.

The Three Worst Things The Liberals Did Yesterday (117)

Julie Bishop said Obama should not have mentioned ‘our’ Barrier Reef as it was none of his business, and, though it was daily dwindling, ‘our’ efforts to save it, though utterly unsuccessful, were ‘state of the art’. ‘We have one of the jewels of the planet,’ she said, ‘and what we do with it is none of the planet’s business.’

A mild-mannered Saudi megabillionaire who favours beheading female motorists, Prince Alaweel bin Talal, withdrew his boardroom support from Rupert Murdoch, a Liberal voter, after his Australian operation’s profits fell by 21 percent and foreboded the end, perhaps of all his newspaper titles in ‘that benighted continent’, as the Prince described it. It also seemed Rupert, now well into his ninth decade and running out of food-tasters and grateful children, might be asked to take his pistol to the billiard room and ‘do the right thing’ very soon by shareholders utterly sick of him.

In response to this he commanded his editorialists Australia-wide to call for the end of the ABC. Though 82 percent of Australians thought it should get more money, the editorialists thought, or were commanded to think, it a heinous waste of billions, unlike the search for MH 370 which had the same budget, and the five dollars a year each taxpayer forked over for the services now to to be abolished was ‘a cappuccino too far’; though the gutting of the Adelaide ABC was thought by Christopher Pyne, a Liberal voter, ‘a bit much, my mentally challenged children need it.’ Hockey told him to go fuck himself.

The greatest orator in history, Barack Obama, was criticised by Gerard Henderson, a craven Papist early dementia sufferer grovelling under the dictates of Murdoch spin-blitherers, for his already immortal speech, in Brisbane, to some students on the world’s future. ‘This celebrity President,’ he sneered, had got an ‘unjust standing ovation’ for his premonitions of planetary disaster ‘though the world’s temperatures had not risen for two decades’ in a speech he gave on Brisbane’s hottest November 16 in eighteen thousand years. The President should have showed ‘better manners,’ he added, and not mentioned the world calamity of the Barrier Reef as it was ‘none of his business.’ Gerard Henderson is an angry, forgetful old man still working for the CIA or some adjacent subfascist entity who eats the living Christ on Sundays and refuses to say where his money comes from.

Three thousand ageing humanists gathered in Sydney to protest the crippling of ‘our spare university’, the ABC. One of Scott’s proposed assassinees, Quentin Dempster, listed the news programmes, along with his, which would be throttled on Monday. Geoff Morell named the dramas — Redfern Now, The Slap, Grass Roots — now outside the bounds of ‘Team Australia’ which would have no artistic descendants. Little Pattie spoke of the stories which would not now, after Monday, be told. Denis Napthine, a Liberal voter, cursed Abbott for what he was doing to regional broadcasting. Christopher Pyne sobbed into his red-spotted handkerchief. ‘If ah’d known it invahlved this,’ he said, ‘ah’d never have gone into politics.’

In her final address to the UN Security Council from the chair of that august international entity, Julie Bishop inadvertently cursed Australia for immuring ebola sufferers in their own infectious countries and not letting them come to Australia. The auteur of this fool policy, Scott Morrison, fell foaming and speaking in tongues while upbraiding her for thus upbraiding him before a global audience.

It was thought she was not in her perfect mind. She had since her promotion to Foreign Minister scolded the Chinese, the Indonesians, the Liberians, Doctors Without Borders, the East Timorese, the Russians and, lately, Barack Obama for not doing what she told them to. It was hoped her latest lover, the ‘property investor’, was not putting something in her drink, or her first lover Lightfoot, the prominent thundering racist, wreaking chemical vengeance on her for leaving him, or her constant poignant wooer ‘Malvolio’ Hartcher, whose praise for her in his column had lately cooled a little. For she was behaving very oddly. ‘It is good, when you are Foreign Minister,’ said Plibersek, her opposite number, ‘to remember what your foreign policy is.’ And then she fell about laughing attractively.

And so concluded another day in the life of the worst free-elected government in history, since Democracy’s invention in 934 in Iceland.

The Three Worst Things The Liberals Did Yesterday (116)

Julie Bishop attacked Obama for liking the Barrier Reef and wanting his daughters and granddaughters to go there. Its destruction was none of his business, she said, and he was lucky people of ‘his uncertain skin tone’ were allowed to go there. A UK Tory Minister for Energy called Abbott a ‘flat earther’ on climate change. Mark Scott said he would decimate the ABC and might close down some country services and lose the Nationals some seats. Abbott promised to revive his struck-down laws that allowed financial advisors to swindle and bankrupt their customers.

The price of iron went down, and sent Joe’s deficit up to fifty billion dollars, near twice Wayne Swan’s. Denis Shanahan, a Liberal voter, said he understood everyone’s ‘fury’ at Obama liking the Barrier Reef. Simon Benson called Obama’s speech to the uni students a ‘stunt’. Abbott appeared with Hollande and said exultantly, ‘Global warming is real, and we will give not a penny to its mitigation.’

Tens of thousands planned to protest, in city parks, the bollocking of the ABC. Dempster, who assisted in the destruction of Bjelke-Petersen, and Margaret Throsby, host of the best radio programme in the world, seemed to be in the cross-hairs of the New Cromwellian Committee Of Public Safety, and a ‘rethinking’ of 7.30 along lines of A Current Affair. Amazed that much of the Adelaide ABC might be erased from world memory Christopher Pyne, already ‘cruising for a bruising’ in his ‘swinging’ seat in the Hills, where vacuous bisexuals watched Micalleff chuckling with incomprehension, beseeched Mark Scott, who detested him, to save Adelaide, and redemptively decimate Ultimo, where simmering Trotskyists like Tony Jones infected with their marinating Marxist ebola semi-comatose Baby Boomers.

Scott appeared before the Senate, murmuring sacrifices had to be made, and he like Abraham would slaughter his firstborn if need be in suburbs and towns where Liberals would lose many seats in the backwash of national rage. Jason Clare appeared now and then, looking honourable and charismatic, and said Abbott had lied about cuts while Cormann said ‘Zey wair nert certs, zay wair mere adjewstments to ze bertterm line.’ Revulsion grew across the nation. A moment seemed to have arrived when we, the people, became like Howard Beale ‘mad as hell and we’re not going to take it any more.’

Colin Barnett said he was ethnic cleansing a hundred Aboriginal communities, or perhaps a hundred andfifty, but wouldn’t say which hundred, or hundred and fifty. People whose relatives had been in the same place for fifty-five thousand years were afraid they would be ‘relocated’, like weeping Vietnamese once were, to the outskirts of hostile towns and begged for mercy. Barnett said he wasn’t sure how many peoples he would drive to grief, death and extinction, or when he would say whch ones he had thus pricked down, but he blamed Abbott for the whole thing, saying it was his tyrannous parsimony that was to blame for this ‘needless extinguishment of suffering people’, and he hoped he would ‘fry in hell’ for it.

Julie Bishop said Obama was lying, and we were looking after our Reef very well, and he should apologising for having thus deceived impressionable undergraduates, who did he think he was? Told he was our most powerful ally, she said, ‘Don’t make me laugh’, and beamed at the yellow-stockinged and cross-gartered ‘Malvolio’ Hartcher, whose heart surged with new love, and drank another thin glass of champagne. ‘Who does he think he is? ‘ she repeated. Uppity half-breed.

Morgan showed Andrews-Labor going up to 55, though Murdoch’s Galaxy showed it coming down to 52. In the Morgan, Andrews led Napthine as preferred Premier for the first time. His victory would mean 41 percent of Australians lived under Labor rule, and Palaczsczuk’s victory, now certain, would make that 51 percent. In each state, the swinging voters would say it was Abbott that turned them to Labor.

And so it went.

Today’s Newspoll

Murdoch’s p2 Newspoll, distributing Palmer’s preferences as if he still favoured the Liberals, and ringing only landlines, showed Abbott nine hundred thousand votes behind Shorten as preferred Prime Minister, a margin without precedent in Australian history, and the Coalition 1.4 million behind Labor federally.

These numbers, so disastrous they are not reprinted in The Daily Telegraph, can only mean that Abbott will be overthrown by a Global Warming True Believer, Turnbull or Dutton, or Robb perhaps, in the near future. The Obama speech to the uni students blew Abbott out of the water, and his plea for coal made him a global laughing-stock, and even Alan Jones cursed him for the half billion he spent on a copper-thronged conference in which he scrubbed up not as a maestro but a whack-head and a clown.

I could be wrong, but his fate is surely sealed. He has no credibility any more, in any room he is in, and several conspirators are busily at work on his extinction, and there may, just may be, a new Prime Minister by Australia Day.

The Three Worst Things The Liberals Did Yesterday (111)

Abbott amazed the nations by saying nothing happened here before the white man came, and Putin, a cradle Communist, ‘pined for the glories of Czarist Russia’, with its illiterate peasantry, vapid aristocracy and ‘holy fool’ religiosity. He thus showed himself to be more ignorant than any ruler since Idi Amin, who fed some members of his Ministry to the palace crocodiles and ate at least one of them himself. Barnett echoed his foolishness by closing down a hundred Aboriginal communities and craftily blaming him for it. It was expected hundreds of Indigenous children would die prematurely because of this cruel fresh act of ethnic cleansing, and this, on top of the children sentenced to Nauru for a hundred years by Morrison made the Abbott Government a subject of appalled concern to the UN and a hissing and a byword among the civilised nations.

These nations then arrived in Brisbane, and began to humiliate Abbott with planned efficiency. Obama cursed him before an audience of billions, claiming he ‘produced a lot of carbon’, was not doing his bit in the fight against ebola, and wasn’t employing enough women. Abbott responding said carbon was a very, very good thing, so good he had abolished a tax on it, and appalled his international guests by whingeing that his efforts to punish sick old women for getting sick were not being applauded through the Senate by his enemies, nor were his plans to punish with lifelong debt poor uni students for seeking an education. Their aghast expressions indicated they thought he had become insane, and Milne said he had ‘made a fool of himself’ and so did the panellists on Agenda and Insiders.

It was feared there would be big, horrid headlines about this, and a rumour was confected by the Murdochists that Putin was in a snit and leaving early which they hoped would overwhelm the story of Abbott’s evident nervous breakdown.This almost worked, and was by dawn ferociously denied. Plibersek was not allowed to go to the G20, though thousands were, ‘gender, and politics’ being the actual, though not the stated reason. Sensing he was now the Prime Minister-in-waiting, Skynews Agenda gave Shorten a warm, attentive interview in which he genially and gracefully called Abbott ‘weird’.

Hockey said the US-China deal was a ‘mirage’. Mike Seccombe said California had already got its emissions down by 20 percent and would have them down by 50 percent in 2030, and that it wasn’t a mirage, it could be done. Hockey said climate change would have no effect on any economy, not even when bushfires immolated entire states and coastal suburbs were submerged, and Cassidy’s jaw dropped to his knee. The hottest November 16 in Brisbane’s history underlined, among other things, that Abbott had run out of luck.

A Liberal candidate thought to have beaten his wife in Pennsylvania, John Varano, resigned his candidacy in a safe Labor seat in Victoria, two weeks before an election Labor was already judged ikely to win. Though said by a court to be innocent as charged the Murdochists, now favouring Labor, printed the rumour anyway.

Julian Burnside, interviewed on RN, said witnesses of the murder of Reza Berati had been promised residence on mainland Australia if they ‘withdrew their evidence’. Though twelve men had a part in the murder of this large, kindly homosexual university graduate, no-one was currently on trial for it, or in gaol for it, And Morrison said Burnside, a Peace Prize winner, was ‘lying’.

And so it went.

The Three Worst Things The Liberals Did Yesterday (103)

Dennis Shanahan, a Liberal voter, proposed that Abbott be replaced by Julie Bishop, a divorced, childless, asbestos-funded advocate of mesothelioma who would, he said, ‘bring back the women’s vote’ when it was revealed her first lover, Ross Lightfoot, was a racist ranting thicko. Mark Rutte, a Dutchman, claimed he now knew what ‘shirtfront’ meant, but did not know if the Russians or the Ukrainians shot down MH 17, and he would wait for the experts’ verdict. He’d had no trouble seeing Putin, but was humorously unsurprised to hear that Abbott ‘couldn’t get an appointment.’

All hope of Napthine winning vanished from the headlines. It was thought by Lonergan Polling that the Greens would pick up two Labor seats in Victoria. Lonergan last year predicted Rudd, Swan, Burke, Bowen, Clare and Dreyfus would lose their seats in landslides. They did it by ringing on Late Shopping Nights the landlines of the Menzies generation and the Liberals liked what these nonagenarians reported and were wrong in every case.

Jacqui Lambie, a famously battle-bruised military person, said she would vote down all Abbott-Hockey legislation till they stopped persecuting our Diggers, and asked all veterans to ‘turn their backs’ on Liberal speakers on Remembrance Day next week. This made her, not Palmer, the one whom Hockey must persuade, with free universities perhaps, to let his lunatic Budget, or parts of it, through the Senate and he didn’t see how he could do this. The RSL and everyone over seventy were on her side, and it now seemed he and Abbott might have to call a Double Dissolution they would certainly lose and ruin the Liberal Party forever since there was now no other option.

Soldiers continued to live well in Dubai and not to go to Iraq. It was hoped they would get there soon, before Baghdad fell to crucifying fanatics who might then behead them on YouTube. Abbott went to Beijing hoping to ‘shirtfront’ Putin who was contemptuously evading his advances.

Noel Pearson was compared to Martin Luther King for hailing Whitlam’s Indigenous policies in ‘the best Australian speech ever’. Andrew Bolt was denounced for denouncing Whitlam while he was still warm, Miranda Devine for alleging Whitlam had boasted he was ‘a Westie made good’, as grave a mistake as calling John F. Kennedy ‘a poor white Southern trailer-trash low-life loser’. She was never that good at fact-checking — believing, for instance, that Christ ‘rose from the dead’ — but very beautiful and consequently overpaid.

Gerard Henderson cursed the ABC for putting on men who ‘attacked the Liberal Party from the right’, Leyonhjelm and Berg. It was wrong, in his view, to attack the Liberal Party at all, on a ‘balanced’ broadcaster. The Liberal Party, after all, got almost 30 percent of the vote sometimes, and Labor and the Greens between them a mere 50 percent, which meant the Liberal Party, the underdog, on a ‘balanced’ broadcaster… Henderson found himself not wanted any more on Insiders after calling a fellow panellist corrupt, and his Newscorps pay packet shrinking weekly. ‘He’s always been an idiot,’ a Murdoch editor said, ‘but he used to conceal it better.’ More to come.

‘This Old Man’

(First published by Independent Australia)

For a time it seemed Rudd must sit beside Gillard, but it was soon sorted, and they sat, eyes averted, two apart. Keating, entering, with Annita, got huge applause, Hawke with Blanche less so, Penny Wong and her ‘spouse’ a great deal, Garrett a little more, Gillard a vast, standing ovation. Silence greeted Howard and Janette. Abbott, unaccompanied, materialised in the front row, from, it seemed, a secret entrance, having been booed out on the street.

Jill Wran was there. Albo and Carmel, Deputy Premier and Deputy Prime Minister, man and wife. John Brown. Smith and Swan. Menadue. Spigelman. Two Fergusons. Les Johnson and Doug McClelland. Barry Jones, famous now since 1948, irrepressible, buoyant, grizzled. Phillip Adams, looking as he did since he was twenty-five. Bob Carr. Latham not there of course; of course. Like Hemingway, he never forgave a favour.

Huge pipe organ music as the tall Family entered, a ‘flotilla of Whitlams’ I used to call them, fewer now. From the upper level, near the front, I could see all the faces, like a perfect stained glass window of a gathering of sainted worthies, in a Labor sacred site, the Sydney Town Hall, where, six months ago, Nifty’s coffin had lain, and his daughter, now on a charge of murder, had spoken over him, quoting Shakespeare.

There was the national anthem and Kerry O’Brien came forward, tawny and mild-mannered, Steve McQueen-like, as always, and I remembered how, on the day of the Sacking, he, beside me in the Press Gallery, had said ‘Let slip the dogs of war’. He told of working on Gough’s last campaign, the energy, the detail, the generosity, the fury, the joy. And there was a welcome to country, and a potent didgeridoo, and then…Freudenberg.

The years melted away and I remembered Freudy in 1977 after Gough resigned saying, ‘I’m, what, forty-two, and my life is over. It ended tonight.’ I remembered how ten years ago, after a lunch with Geoff Shaw, Gough said, ‘Lend me a shoulder, comrade,’ and, leaning on Freudy, walked from the building, linked forever to his collaborator and chronicler, messiah and apostle hobbling together into the bright glow of history.

Freudy’s speech, and his delivery of it, showed the great orator the Legislative Assembly lost when the Labor Party, in its wisdom, nominated Eddie Obeid instead. Like his speech on getting Life Membership, in the same Town Hall, it was among the best ten of our nation. But there was more, and better, to come.

Across the world with perfect symmetry America’s Whitlam, Obama, was being ended by ebola and Fox News, the toy of Murdoch, who had ended Gough also, and the choir and the orchestra performed the St Matthew Passion final chorus by J.F. Bach.

Cate Blanchett came forward and spoke of how she, as a woman, was better able to explore what she could do in the world because of Whitlam’s free universities and Abbott, the Minister for Women, cringed in the front row. The choir sang the chorus of the Chorus of the Hebrew Slaves by Verdi and things notched up a bit.

Fifteen years ago I called Noel Pearson ‘Australia’s best orator’ after sharing a stage with him in Mosman. He proved it again before a vaster audience in Town Hall with an oration rich in wile and fury, almost Elizabethan in its intimacy, clarity and beauty, in which, being now himself a man of no party, he extolled the ‘old man’ he, his people, and Australia, owed so much. Quickly hailed as the ‘best Australian speech, ever’, it became, like Lincoln’s second inaugural, a new benchmark of the language well used in a great cause on a high occasion. Kelly and Carmody then sang ‘From Little Things Big Things Grow’ in an atmosphere charged like none since wartime.

Faulkner’s tribute and Tony Whitlam’s thanks then swiftly followed and the first chords of ‘Jerusalem’, as always, had me in tears. I remembered Gough at Margaret’s funeral theatrically steering his wheelchair out of the church as the choir sang ‘I shall not cease from mental fight, Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand’, and knowing, I think, precisely knowing, that this was the last that most of us would see of him, heroically engulfed in this great Labour anthem, tragically leaving, making his exit, the job unfinished. And here was the song again.

It was swiftly sung, and that was it. No coffin was carried out. There was silence. The orchestra conductor stood undecided. Would there be more? No. An inconclusive, shuffling silence. And that was it.

It was an occasion memorable for its reticence, proud good taste, and almost Anglican harmony of soul. No humorous montage of wacky television moments was projected. Gough’s own voice did not occur, though the imitations of others, on stage and at the party afterwards, were many and usually good, Mike Carlton’s, as always, the best. There was a feeling not so much of sadness, or even happiness at a great life well concluded, but of an enormous, high-vaulting life interrupted, diverted, dislocated, and of thirty-eight years then somewhat, though not altogether, hobbled or diminished in a sort of haughty nightclub act, of a stand-up elder statesman for a nation’s regretful posterity.

For language honours and forgives/Everyone by whom it lives, as Auden said of Yeats. Lincoln, Churchill, the Kennedys, Obama, had varying successes and great failures in war and peace, but their gift of language, of the smooth self-mocking utterance, of bringing the house down with gales of laughter, made up for their failings, while millions died.

Whitlam’s record was better than theirs. He embarked on no new war. He ended one. He uplifted three generations to a possibility of personal excellence like none before him, or after. He fought the good fight, he finished, or almost finished, the course. He kept the faith. Now there is laid up for him a crown of righteousness.

And so it goes.

Further Thoughts On The Present Emergency

I could be wrong about this, but it seems to me that Abbott has crossed, this week, a shadow-line, and nobody believes a thing he says any more, and nobody wants to hear his voice any more.

It may have been when he said the petrol price hike was not a new tax, it was an old tax, enlarged somewhat. It may have been when he said the hike was to bring the deficit down, then, correcting himself, admitted it was to build new roads with; not trains, roads. It may have been when, in a speech of no great subtlety, he gave the states a cruel choice of a bigger GST, imposed by themselves, or oblivion. It may have been the eight hundredth time he said ‘debt and deficit disaster’ in Question Time, or denied he had broken any promises, any promises at all, or when he refused to punish the big polluters, only reward them; including, it seemed, the coal billionaire Clive Palmer, co-author of his legislation.

But however it happened he’s hated now, as a creepy, malodorous, bride-deserting ashtray of mendacity and shiftiness, and the Victorian election, losing ten or fifteen seats, will speed a similar calamity in Queensland, and might in New South Wales, and keep Labor in office in South Australia for a hundred years.

I could be wrong. But I don’t sense any affection for him out there any more, even on Skynews, where his proposal to gaol for ten years any journalist with a good story about military incompetence (Keith Murdoch on Gallipoli, Oliver Stone on Vietnam, Julian Assange on Iraq) has bestirred even PVO to call him a fool.

I could be wrong. But it seems nothing is working for him: a Budget emergency; a search for corpses in Ukraine; a ‘shirtfront’ in Brisbane; a Red Alert in Parliament House; our own fighter-bombers targeting teenage Australians in Iraq. Climate change, against his wishes, will be discussed at APEC, in Brisbane. Australian doctors, against his wishes, will go to Africa and not die there. His quarter-million-dollar university degrees will not be enacted. Not a penny will be paid by old women to their G.P.

And the long slide down to the sewer has begun.

I could be wrong.

And we will see what we shall see.

The Three Worst Things The Liberals Did Yesterday (96)

Abbott licensed ASIS to kill teenage Australians without trial in Iraq and proposed legislation that meant Paul McGeough could go to gaol if he reported this. McGeough said half the Iraqi army was AWOL, some giving half their wages to generals who are letting them not turn up for work. He may go to gaol for saying this if the legislation is retrospective, or he may not.

Christopher Walsh, a Liberal voter, employed the usual Murdoch sex-race headline hysteria (OJ Simpson the most vivid so far) to accuse Nova Peris, a thrice-wed black athlete Senator, of having an affair, and writing to her lover of her excitement, a shocking thing to do, before she was ever in politics, or even a member of a political party. He seemed unaware of the alleged affairs of Brandis, Pyne and Mirabella, which were not, he is said to have said, ‘in the public interest’; nor were the events on p68 of the book on Abbott by Duffy, never contradicted; nor, indeed, his discarding at the altar of a pregnant teenage bride, now dead, nor her shaming on television in 2003.

Some teenage Afghans exiled for eighty years to Nauru were attacked by some locals, roughed up, insulted and ‘threatened with death’. This was, Morrison said, ‘wholly a matter for Nauru.’ He boasted again to the House of his success in ‘turning back the boats’ by acts of piracy, kidnap, illegal detention and child abuse, but he was not asked where, in future, he would turn them back to, since Indonesia now thought his harsh piratical policy an act of war. Moves began in the Senate to have his sanity investigated.

Cormann’s ’40 cents a week, on average’ petrol price hike proved, in some cases, to be ten dollars a week, especially in country towns, and thirty dollars a week for truck drivers. Napthine squealed with rage, knowing it would cost him three seats, and power.

No Australian died from terrorism for another day, as none have died on our soil since January, 1915, nearly a hundred years ago now, though four died this week from domestic violence and eighteen from car accidents, and three hundred and thirty-six from cigarettes.

Melbourne University found a way to detect Alzeimer’s and Abbott proposed a Budget that cut its research money and CSIRO’s. More people caught Ebola in Africa and two hundred Cuban doctors worked there but no Australian, though eighty wanted to. Black people were not worth saving, it was signalled by our bizarre stubborn rulers, but white Australians were. Of course they were. Of course they were. You could tell just by looking at them.

Julie Bishop, asked if our troops were in Iraq yet, said this was ‘an operational matter’, meaning no. The cost of keeping them in Dubai doing nothing passed, this week, thirty million. This could have gone to dead soldiers’ children, but it was, alas, a benefit which Abbott’s proud, brave, unpassed Budget forbade. And there was still a possibility the Iraqi ‘government’ would sign a document permitting us to kill, unpunished, Iraqi children, and we could go there to shoot at some Iraqis but not others, the way you do. It’s worked before, Julie Bishop added. It’s worked before.

And thus concluded another day of the worst free-elected government in the history of the democratic system, founded in Iceland in AD 934.

The Three Worst Things The Liberals Did Yesterday (93)

Lying in his teeth, Gerard Henderson, a Liberal voter, said Labor failed in 1974 to get an absolute majority in the Senate. It got an absolute majority in the Senate, but two of its votes were stolen after one of its Senators, Bert Milliner, died, another, Lionel Murphy, went to the High Court, and they were replaced, unprecedentedly and improperly, by a Liberal and a Country Party premier, who had constitutionally the power, never used till then, to act unfairly and undemocratically in this way, and appointed Albert Field and Cleaver Bunton, two anti-Labor Independents, in their place. He said as well: ‘It had always been accepted that an Opposition had the power to block Supply in the Senate and that in such a situation the incumbent government would have to go to an election.’ No, it had never been tried before. And the votes were imminent for Supply to be passed, the votes of two renegade Liberals, on the morning when Kerr jumped the gun, and put his country in danger of civil war.

He spoke as well of Whitlam’s ‘excesses’, though he left Fraser no deficit, and Fraser left Hawke a big one. There was no conspiracy, he said, especially by his own longtime employer the CIA. It is puzzling then that Murdoch, a friend of Nixon, predicted exactly what would happen a year before, and over a dinner encouraged Kerr to do what he did. This is recorded in a number of books about Murdoch, and has been for a decade uncontradicted.

Henderson’s creepy denials grow by the day. He should fall to his prayers and ask his dead God’s forgiveness after eating his flesh and drinking his blood some Sunday morning, very soon.

Troy Bramston, oft called here ‘the smirking tapeworm in the anus of the Labor Party’, described as ‘inimitable’ the most imitated of public figures and mentioned none of his policy achievements in 1200 words. He knew free health, free education, equal pay for women, the giving back of Aboriginal land and the ending of the Vietnam War and the draft and the Birthday Ballot would win Gough praise and, like a loathesome half-extruded turd, left these, and four hundred other achievements out of his shilly-shallying ‘eulogy’.

None of Whitlam’s policy achievements occurred in fourteen articles about him in The Weekend Australian, since Murdoch, his destroyer, wished it so, and the ugliest photo ever taken of him featured prominently on page 20.

In the afterglow of the Whitlam obituaries two byelections showed a massive shift in voter intention away from the Abbottites. In Newcastle, the Labor vote went up by 6.3 percent, the Green vote by 5 percent. In Charlestown, the Labor vote went up by 20.8 percent, the Green vote by 5.7. If the Newcastle swing were duplicated federally, the Coalition would end up with twenty-eight seats. If the Charlestown swing were duplicated federally, the Coalition would end up with only one. Both votes were greater than what Labor got in 2009, an election they narrowly won. This suggested Labor would win back power in March in NSW and Queensland after landsliding back in Victoria in November.

And so it went.

The Three Worst Things The Liberals Did Yesterday (91)

The unindicted child tormentor Scott Morrison proposed to make himself Obergruppenfuhrer in charge of locking up Doctors Without Borders returning from Africa on a new Devil’s Island he would harshly administrate. Other Cabinet Ministers called this ‘a grab for power’ by an ‘increasingly deranged’ foul-hearted tongue-speaking man. The search for proof that Abbott was an Australian continued fruitless. It seemed he would have to resign, and give back all the money he earned as an MP, plus interest.

Word came through that the missile that brought MH 17 down was Ukrainian, and captured, perhaps, by pro-Russian rebels. This meant Putin had nothing to do with it, and Abbott would have to apologise for threatening to physically attack Putin and accuse him of mass-murdering Australians when he came to Brisbane. Aleksey Pushkov, of the Duma’s Foreign Relations Committee, said he, Abbott, was ‘extremely exposed’ by his premature lunatic libel of the most powerful man in the world. ‘You take care before you make such an accusation,’ Pushkov said. ‘You do not go off like, how you say, a hairy goat.’

Greg Sheridan, a Liberal voter, called Whitlam’s ‘the worst single government Australia ever had’, though he did not nominate a single policy, out of hundreds, he disagreed with. He said there was no ‘serious documentary’ made about Menzies, forgetting the ABC one about him and Churchill. He said Whitlam was ‘economically disastrous’, though he well knew the Hayden Budget was blocked because it would have worked. He said ‘only’ 19,000 conscripts ever served in Vietnam, chosen because of their birthdays, and unable to vote, and genitally crippled, some of them, by Agent Orange, in a war we lost, a mere bagatelle. 19,000 is one third of the Australian dead in World War 1. What a loathesome, third-rate, grovelling, overpaid Faust he is entirely. He must say, now, which of Whitlam’s policies he opposed, or spend a billion years in a small, cold room in Hell transcribing longhand Murdoch’s wrong predictions, over and over, with an inkhorn and a feather.

Abbott was revealed to have spent 254,000 on a table and some chairs and their transport to the APEC summit, money that might have gone to our soldiers, or our dead soldiers’ children, plus 150,000 on some computer tablets, 120,000 on ‘advice’ on ‘leasing armoured vehicles’, 34 million for security guards and 10 million for hotels. The 44 million 524 thousand thus spent would have kept ten small theatre companies going for a thousand years on the interest alone. But it was ‘well worth the expense,’ Abbott said, ‘to keep the mass murderer Putin comfortable for three days, and well fed on Queensland rump steak, and anxious to buy more of it, which he has unaccountably, lately, refused to.’

Abbott’s Billionairesses’ Baby Bonus had only one supporter in Cabinet, himself, the afr in sorrow reported. ‘Economic lunacy’ is how Hockey, the Treasurer, is said to have described it. ‘Paying one woman nothing to have a baby,’ he fumed, ‘because she has no job, and six other children, and another woman fifty thousand dollars, though she is wealthy already, is not, as Tony calls it, equality.’ All bebbies or born eekval,’ Cormann jeered. ‘Bert serm are more eekval zan uzzairs.’ He chuckled at his little joke, while others put their heads in their hands.

Abbott, losing it, called ISIL a ‘godless death cult’. Dutton, losing it, called Labor’s concern, and America’s concern, with the world plague Ebola ‘a scare campaign’, and demanded his government’s neglect of this pandemic be ‘bipartisan’. The next Black Plague, and his insouciance about it, he said, was too serious a matter to be ‘polticised’, or even spoken about.

And so it went.

The Three Worst Things The Liberals Did Yesterday (90)

It is hard to believe what the crazed and beautiful Papist Miranda Devine, a Liberal voter, said of Whitlam yesterday, but there it is.

‘He wrought destruction on his country,’ she wrote, with a straight face, not saying what part Medicare, free universities, the sewering of the suburbs, the recognition of China, no-fault divorce, allowing unwed mothers to keep their babies and the releasing from gaol of Vietnam draft evaders played in that destruction. He said he was a ‘western suburbs kid made good’, she said, though no-one had ever said that of him till she did, yesterday. The return of Aboriginal lands, equal pay for women, the sequestering from oil drilling of the Great Barrier Reef, she added, were all part of ‘a fantasy…that may become toxic’.

It was Menzies, not Whitlam, that invented ‘free universities’, she said, through Commonwealth Scholarships for the ‘better academically’ (no, dear, it was Chifley) and Whitlam’s ‘free for all’ was the beginning of the ‘age of entitlement’.

This loathesome piece of pond-scum was paid lavishly for this by Murdoch, Whitlam’s destroyer. May her afterlife be spent in a small room listening to a loop of John Howard’s Anzac Day speeches for a billion years, unsleeping.

The unspeakable Faustian cunt, Paul Kelly, the only first-rate intellect employed by Murdoch for more than a year, said Whitlam’s ‘scandal-ridden’ second government irresistably destroyed itself, not mentioning that Murdoch’s restless vendetta after Whitlam refused him the Ambassadorship to the Court of St James did much of the work, and the vote that blocked Supply was that of Albert Field, a man not elected to the Senate but appointed, improperly, against the wishes of the voters, by Bjelke-Petersen after Bert Milliner’s suspicious death. He said Kerr behaved wickedly but made no mention of Joh, or Reg Withers, or Garfield Barwick, or the constitution-smashing liar Malcolm Fraser. May he be locked in a small room listening for a billion years to Alexander Downer and Bronwyn Bishop singing Gilbert and Sullivan favourites unceasing, with Rolf Harris accompanying on shuffleboard and blowing whistles.

Andrew Wilkie took the Abbott government to the ICC over its human rights abuses on Christmas Island, Nauru and Manus. Scott Morrison sought, illegally, a ‘conclusive certificate’ by which he could stop any boat person whatever from getting permanent protection without saying why he did so, merely that it was ‘in the national interest’ to imprison them for life. They would be allowed no appeal against this life sentence. Child abuse on Manus continued. None of the abusers was arrested. They continued abusing the children and the young women, on their usual wages, in the usual filthy conditions. A Senate inquiry discovered that anyone with Ebola in Niugini our doctors would take two weeks to get to from here, arriving a week after his/her death. The time was then changed to five hours.

Pyne’s advisers on what Australian children should study in our schools proved to be almost all of them Liberals, Catholics or private school teachers, plus one public school teacher from Pyne’s electorate. Though this would automatically entail, in any civilised country, his immediate resignation, he continued, with his usual chirpy defiance, in office.

And thus concluded another day in the life of the worst free-elected government in the history of the democratic system, since its invention in Iceland in AD 934.