The December Primates Poem

(To be sung, perhaps, to the tune of ‘We Three Kings Of Orient Are’)

Attend the rage of Christopher Pyne,
His face as puce as burgundy wine;
From Connski to Gonski and back again
He seemed, every other day, insane.

He punned, he smiled, he strutted, preened,
He snickered like a hellish fiend,
He tap-danced over red-hot coals
While colleagues studied plunging polls.

They dared not ask where had he been,
This silly, mincing drama queen,
When priests and teachers in his youth
Cried, ‘Speak up, boy, and tell the truth.’

He shrieked, he nattered, fibbed and sneered,
He struck good folk as fucking weird,
Those forty-eight nights on Q&A
He seemed so madly sweet and gay.

But Destiny came for Christopher Pyne
Who did not know when he’d crossed the line
By threat’ning to wreck the lives and hopes
Of those unencumbered by Queens and Popes.

He did not get it, in the end.
He thought each pun would make a friend,
And love result if he wagged his tail.
He’s buggered now, please God. Wassail.

Leave a comment ?


  1. That repulsive human being
    Wet the bed and can’t stop peeing
    Is he hiding is he fleeing
    Or is he really just Gon-ski-ing?

  2. Very good Bob,very funny, lifted my sprits… :lol:

  3. Wonderful portrait of this preening fop.

  4. That mincing meerkat Chris deCline
    will all his promises undermine…

  5. Big fat momma Amanda Vanstone said the adults are back in charge. Looks more like a bunch of spoil brat 5 year olds are in charge with the head teenager Abbott having to put out spot fires all the time. Firing squad for the lot of them including Turnbull, Murdoch and Bolt.

    • Cant wait for the next Vanstone lecture in the Fairfax media.
      I think she must be remunerated by counting the number of comments under her op-eds, usually hundreds.
      Mostly derisive.

  6. “He did not get it, in the end.” – this bit needs to be changed. I think he gets it in the end all the time. Constantly. Hence his puce palor.

  7. All this is true but Shorten has had plenty of ammo to throw at Abbott and still has not laid a glove on him-woeful international relations; letting Pyne get away with the lie that Labor ripped $1.2billion out of Gonski day after day; the massive debt the Libs are accruing-$32billion since the election;not a word from Shorten;the Libs in bed with the Greens on the debt ceiling…great opportunity there but NOTHING from Shorten again.
    In January of this year Joe Hockeidonian said he would produce a surplus in his 1st year as Treasurer.

    Labor should be on him about this. Shorten is also letting Hockey get away with “Labor’s Debt”. Now Hockey is wrong on this and it will haunt us like the incorrectly tagged “Labor’s $96billion debt” for years unless Shorten deals with it NOW. Hockey in 2008 said the Liberals would have incurred a similar debt in dealing with the GFC.

    Shorten should also point out the massive structural deficit Howard left Labor and the billions in error Costello made in his 2007 forward estimates. NOT A WORD THOUGH from Labor or Shorten.

    And the best of all! Abbott has wiped from his site all of the statements he made in 2009 saying it would be great to have a carbon tax but not only that it should be tied to petrol and electricity. Labor has failed DISMALLY in not using this. It should have been used all through the campaign to prove what a hypocrite Abbott is. Sigh!

    • Not a glove, you say. Well, Morgan has Labor on 51.5 already, enough to win back all its lost seats.

      How can you say ‘not a glove’?

      • Morgan rated 4th on accuracy of all polls at the last election.

        Newspoll, Neilson and Galaxy ahead of them.

        I am not the only one saying this about Shorten. Look he is a nice guy, has brains but just won’t cut it. I am reading it on blogs and columns.

        I would have gone for Bowen or Tanya B as many others have said on this blog.

        You tell me then Bob, why Labor won’t reel out Abbott’s yearning for a carbon tax in 2009 and use it against him? This alone would destroy his “credibility” on the carbon tax.

        • 4th? My recollection is different but I’m always happy to be set straight. Their final poll as I recall was very close to the actual result…

          I’m not running a Shorten fan club, and even doubt that he is particularly a “nice guy”. But for better or worse he got the gig as ALP leader and should have if you will excuse the cliché a fair go.

          As ALP leader his job is to get the ALP back into government not to promote the welfare of the Australian people or even the Australian working class. The ALP stopped being about that long ago. (It saddens me to see so many Charlie Browns always trusting Lucy to hold the football one last time, and always landing on their collective arse)

          If you want promoting the welfare of the Australian people and getting the ALP back in to government to amount to the same thing then you have to make that happen.

        • I love Wombat, but I strongly suspect that Shorten has a bit more political (and most other sorts) of nous than the W

          When you see a homicidal maniac about to step off a 20th storey roof, you don’t do anything to distract him

          How could Shorten possibly get any more anti-Abbott publicity by saying or doing anything just now?

          • Nobody would like to see Shorten as PM as much as me.

            Yes, Shorten has nous but not the kind that will worry Abbott, Morrison and his team of lying mongrels.

            To defeat a mongrel U must have the mongrel in yourself. Abbott could trip up big time. He has already. Shorten is a lightweight in the colliseum.

            He will not go after Abbott with the tools I have mentioned. Abbott is a lying hypocrite and could easily be proven so. We are not only up against Abbott.

            We are up against all of the shock jocks and the Murdoch Press as well as 70% of the print media.

        • Wombat where did the ’4th’ come from?

          My source says Morgan at the top,with Newspoll in 5th spot, Nielsen, Galaxy and even a robo one in between.

    • “Not a word out of Shorten…”

      I beg to differ Wombat. I distinctly heard his openning statement on ABC Radio the other morning.

      “Goodness gracious me!”, said Bill, in reply to the question. What’s more, the ABC repeated that cutting line as their news sound bite, nearly all day.

      • most Australians will welcome that little touch of ordinariness after years adn years of the Droogs and their ultraviolence

      • I counted the number of seconds given to Abbott and Co on the ABC news tonight with them talking. Libs about 70 seconds…labor NIL…out of the office!!

  8. No, I would not say “he’s buggered now” – he’d probably enjoy it too much.

    The Edward II solution would be better :

    “He’s red-hot-collared now, Wassail!”

  9. Reading that Abbott “threatens” to hold his breath till his face turns blue if he doesn’t get everything he wants from Santa: a new foreign policy, a new asylum seeker policy, a new education policy, a new economic policy.

    Never have I seen such a catastrophic start for any new Govt.


  10. Watched QT today. The government are appalling. Their manners towards Labor are disgraceful mostly aimed at Jenny Macklin and Kate Ellis. Abbott is appalling.And as for Bronwyn Bishop.I cannot look at her.Please bring back Julia.Bill Shorten is going much better.

    • they are locked into being hoons; they are the Cabinet of GPS bogans, Abbott and his Droogs – it’s worked in every other part of their lives, why not in Parliament

  11. Here is the latest on Abbott from Morgan….women have turned back to Labor

  12. Yes, I agree, helenmarg. It is a great pity tbat our national Parliament has been brought so low.
    Do you think Bill Shorten is holding his own, please?

    • Shorten should be concentrating on getting Labor ready to take over the reins of government.

      At the moment Abbott is doing Shorten’s destroy-the-government job for him.

      No doubt, after Abbott, Shorten will have a more gladiatorial role to take on, though never anything like the farce we have had for the last 4 years from Abbott

  13. I guess the looming extinction of primates (to which the clown Pyne and the rest of the Abbott Droogs are contributing) is not really OT

    Many time bombs, tipping-points, have started their countdown because of CO2 pollution. They are not included in the cautious pronouncements of the IPCC bureaucrats.

    One biggy is Arctic methane released as ice melts

    “Debate over the plausibility of a catastrophic release of methane in coming decades due to thawing Arctic permafrost has escalated after a new Nature paper warned that exactly this scenario could trigger costs equivalent to the annual GDP of the global economy.”

    “What we’re observing right now is much faster than what we anticipated and much faster than what was modeled,”"


  14. Turnbull is being infected by the Cabinet hooliganism

    “ABC boss Mark Scott made an ”error of judgment”, according to Communications Minister Malcolm Turnbull, in a telephone call to the head of the national broadcaster over the Indonesian phone-tapping story.” (The Age)

    What is the political advantage in buying into this fight? Why expose yourself to charges of bullying the ABC?

    Turnbull, never very smart, was formerly a level-headed operator, confining his rushes of blood to harmless bits of fun like republicanism, but hot-heads are infectious, obviously

    • In *this* govt it couldn’t be the need for a distraction from the $1billion per yr NBN maintenance bill on copper (AFR)!

    • Oh, meanwhile Abbs continues his march to Hitlerdom, raiding lawyer representing E Timor over Australia’s commeercial spying on them, just about the weakest country in the world

      “the ASIO agents gave his staff no details of their search warrant because it dealt with national security matters”

      Heads down and look budy, everyone, and hope the stormtroopers don’t pick on us next

  15. He’s hot, quoth they, too hot to handle,
    Burns brighter than a Roman candle,
    But lights out at nine, as the nun’s did huff,
    His candle’s out quite soon enough.

    His discomfiture while under Sales,
    ‘Tis a joy to watch as he bewails;
    Madly tacking out to Leigh,
    When windward is the place to be.

    So the new-launched yacht may turn turtle
    And the Party, when it feels the hurt’ll
    Jettison the dross, hook, line and sinker,
    “Save us all” they’ll cry “and drop that stinker”.

  16. And it came to pass in the year 13 of the 21st century that the men and women of Australia did go to the polls.

    And at those polls they harkened unto the blandishments of the god Rupert of Mordor and gave their votes unto the pathetic rag tag end of the party of the despised Howard.

    Thereupon was Kevin the One, resurrected and hailed as Messiah overthrown and disestablished, and the Media saw that it was good.

    Saint Anthony of the Forked Tongue led forth his minions from out of the wilderness wherein they had howled for years.

    Upon the levers of government they placed their gnarled hands, and thereupon gavest them a mighty pull.

    A mighty pull indeed, and down camest the wrath of the Indonesians upon the great Abbott of the Forked Tongue, and the people were sore amazed.

    Another mighty pull saw the fall of Gonski and of the heretics who sought equality of education, when the Pyne of the Poodles of the Tongue knew it could never be so.

    And the people, the Premiers and those who taught were sore amazed, and raised their voices as one in ululation.

    Another mighty pull of the levers of power saw the total absence of asylum seekers who were those never again to be reported upon;

    Twas a tactic well beknown to the forbears of many of the party of Abbott of the Forked Tongue, who hailed from Germany and thereabouts;

    For from 1941, Night and Fog (Nacht und Nebel) was the way of dealing with those who should disappear and never be mentioned again.

    Some of the people thought it was good, and others waited upon the upshot of this cunning scheme of Morrison of the Talking in Tongues.

    Abbott of the Forked Tongue sought to wave around his mandate, and many thought it was good; ‘after all we had voted for him, hadn’t we?”, they thought.

    ‘Parliament will not sit until November’, sayeth Abbott of the Forked Tongue; then ‘they shall sit for as long as it takes to do my bidding’ said he and no-one thought it odd.

    Thus saw the Australian people just who and what they had elected, and many started a weeping and wailing and a gnashing of teeth.

    And they were the ones who had voted for Abbott of the Forked Tongue, for one of those who had not so voted said to them merely ‘I told you so’

    I told you so.


    • There’s no elephant and yet all this fine porcelain tusked beyond repair.


      Like a log over the waterfall, oh the buoyancy and not a snag in sight. No wily beavers, not even a bend.

      Sometimes in politics that’s just what you have to do; Throw yourself off several cliffs. You can call him the suppository of all evil but why not just cut to the chase and admit it. It’s Teflon Tony. Teflon Tony from Terminator Two. He’s Agent fucking Smith, Hugo Weaving gnarled and snarling across the desk whereas but three seconds ago sat an inept bank clerk contemplating your family’s future.

      Just a glitch, a few black cats perhaps. This didn’t even happen.

      • The ersatz bull is in the metaphorical china shop, and the trading stock is suffering.

        Abbott of the Forked Tongue, aided and abetted by Pyne of the Poodles of the Tongue and Morrison of the Talking in Tongues are to stretch a metaphor performing in Miley Cyrus tongue lashing style.

        A tongue tie would be useful short term; euthanasia the more permanent solution.

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