‘The Prime Minister, alas, is under arrest,’ said Brandis. ‘He gave terrorists detailed instructions, as recently as last Friday, on how to detain and behead a suburban commuter. He emphasised how easy it was. This level of encouragement of a specific terrorist act will be outlawed on Monday, and retrospective to Friday, and beyond.
‘All public servants, moreover,’ he sipped his margarita, ‘will be able to torture non-public servants in specific ways, and go unpunished. They will be able to keep a man in a turban awake and cold and naked for fourteen days. The will be able to cause the miscarriage of a woman in a burqa by saying she will not see her husband or children again. They will be able to delay medical treatment, as some did to Hamid Kehazael, till a sick Iranian dies of septicaemia on Manus. This now makes legal the escape from punishment of the child abusing provoker of murder Scott Morrison, and retrospective.’
Asked by Uhlmann what caused all this, he said, ‘There have been no terrorist incidents on Australian soil since January 1915. And it is my purpose to not let a hundred years go by without either provoking one, or fabricating one. Our government has no chance of survival on a detested Budget harming everyone and ruining the nation solely. We must summon up a great wave of primal fear, and blithering anti-Semitism —for Arabs are Semites also — and make, as I advocated in April, bigotry legal again.
‘I am, moreover,’ he said, and Uhlmann quaked, ‘ordering the arrest of Angus Houston and the hundred so-called “Diggers” who went to a war zone, near Donetsk. Their spurious explanation that they were there to look for bodies is one they will have to prove. They were clearly assisting, in my view, the overthrow of the legally elected Kiev government, in a bloodless coup which happened simultaneously.
‘Any Jew, moreover,’ he said, and Uhlmann flinched,’ and I’m not being bigoted here, any Jew who goes to Jerusalem, allegedly to pray at the Wailing Wall, but actually, like Mark Regev, to propagandise for a terrorist state, or fight for it, will be hunted down, captured, extradited and given twenty-five years. In solitary. Naked. Without books. And very cold.’ He licked the salt off his drink.
There was a silence. ‘Does not inciting terrorism,’ Uhlmann said eventually, very quietly, ‘include what Scott Morrison did on Manus Island? Telling them they would never get out? They would never get to Australia? They would never see their wives, their children again?
‘Do you imagine,’ and here the quivering Brandis quaffed the last pint of his margarita, and reached for another, ‘I am planning by this NOT to imprison Morrison? He is my rival, in Cabinet, for the crown of Chief Torturer And Next Prime Minister. Do you think me a dill? Do you think I came down in the last SHOWER?’
John Howard said it was on ‘the best available evidence’ that he and his Godbothering cronies Bush and Blair killed fifty thousand children and ruined sixteen million lives in a war caused by forged evidence and forbidden by the UN. Asked why the UN’s man Hans Blix swore he had not found anything much when Shock and Awe immolated Baghdad and burned the famous Library, Howard said, ‘We knew he was fibbing and we would find, soon, buried beneath a sandhill a hundred atomic bombs Saddam had neglected to use.’ Asked how he felt now, he said, ‘It seemed like a good idea at the time, like the Twist.’ Asked if he would apologise to the twenty million surviving victims of his lunatic misjudgment, he said, ‘My conscience is clear. I was misinformed, as Bogie was in Casablanca. I knew not what I did. The dog, you might say, ate my homework.’
And thus concluded one more day of the worst free-elected government in the 1180 years since the foundation of democracy in Iceland in 934.